Fred Cavaiani
For a number of weeks now I haven’t been writing my column because my wife was terminally ill with cancer. She had cancer for the 4th time in 17 years and this time she could not survive it. She died on November 3 and we had her funeral on November 8. It has been a very painful loss for our family, though we all realized it was coming. My two daughters, son, sons-in-law, daughter-in-law, and eight grandchildren have all been grieving. Alice, my loving wife of fifty years, was loved by everyone. We celebrated fifty years of marriage in her hospice hospital room a couple of weeks before she died. She had this amazing ability to listen to the details of everyone and remember everything that people would tell her. Everyone felt so important to her. Because of her loving and humble manner our kids, grandkids, friends, and myself felt so connected to her. This loss is huge .
I have been to many funerals in my life. But this funeral brought me into a state of pain and loss that I had never felt before. Tears now happen at various times during the day. It is the journey of grief. Yet, the embrace of this journey of grief brings me into a profound spiritual awareness about the shortness of life—the comforting realization that there is a heaven with a compassionate and caring God. The paradox of all of this is the realization of a profound spirituality which surfaces as I embrace and accept this pain and loss. Pain, well embraced, brings a person into a powerful, loving experience of God. In my tears, I experience God.
Someone said to me, “Fred, you now have to embrace the new normal.” I am now beginning to understand that the new normal is to accept the loneliness, the quiet home, and the acceptance of this loss of my beloved wife of fifty years. I can let the tears flow freely. I can empathize more with others. Our family can share and cry with each other. The “new normal” also becomes a deeper realization about the importance of quiet time with God, and the importance of embracing my feelings of love, gratitude, and powerlessness.
This journey of pain and loss over the death of my wife has brought me into a pain that I have never felt so deeply before. But the acceptance of this pain and loss has pushed me deeper into the realization about the importance of bringing more love into the world. My wife did this so well with everyone. Sitting for weeks at her bedside in the hospital was a journey into such depth. Watching and experiencing the love our children had toward her, and each other, has brought me into a deeper realization about how important it is to show love towards everyone, amidst the grief and loss we are experiencing.
Life is a journey into love. It is a journey into God. In embracing my pain and loss, I have personally experienced the role love plays in the grieving process. Love, care, and compassion all create a bond and profound connection between people. This connection brings a presence of God to me that is deep, enriching, and amazing.
Each day I will now live the “New Normal.” I will accept pain and loss and live in the present moment with an awareness of God’s loving presence. I will live in gratitude for all the love that has come toward me over the years from my loving wife, Alice, and all the caring and compassionate people in my life.
When someone lovingly touches my heart with kind words, God becomes present. I always thought I knew this, but now I genuinely experience this. The pain of loss, honestly embraced, becomes an experience of an eternal loving God.
Each moment on this short journey of life is meant to be a consoling and profound experience of God. The embrace of tears is so important. Gratitude for loving people is so important. Staying in this present moment to experience the pain, without rushing to the next moment to take it away, brings me into a consoling, amazing, comforting experience of God.
Life is always meant to be a journey into God. Joy and sorrow bring us deeper into this journey with God. I am deeply grateful for my beloved wife Alice, adult children, their spouses, my grandchildren, and loving friends. Life is Love. Love is life. And in it, God is present. I hope everyone who reads this has a day immersed in showing love to others.
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Fred Cavaiani is a licensed marriage counselor and psychologist with a private practice in Troy. He is the founder of Marriage Growth Center, a consultant for the Detroit Medical Center, and conducts numerous programs for groups throughout Southeast Michigan. His column in the Legal News runs every other Tuesday. He can be reached at 248-362-3340. His e-mail address is: Fredcavi@yahoo.com and his website is fredthecounselor.com.
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