Tracy K. Lorenz ...



Social media has been abuzz the last few weeks about “zippering,” the process where cars merge before a road goes down to one lane, then the cars merge it’s like a zipper.

And if my dog had a propeller on his head she’d be a helicopter.

There is no way on earth this will ever work, it defies the laws of math and physics and, like socialism, completely disregards human nature. The ONLY drivers who think zippering would work are the dinks who pass two miles of parked cars and then expect the drivers in the front, the drivers who have been dutifully waiting in line for a half hour, to let them in. I, personally, would rather get stuck in an elevator with a theater major than let you cut in front of me. You had MILES of signs and lights warning you of the impending merger, if you want to zipper then zipper at the back of the line.

I remember back in the 80’s they changed the speed limit from 70 to 55 on Michigan highways. In a rare display of passive driver protest (kind of) two guys decided to drive from Lansing to Detroit, door to door, at EXACTLY 55 MPH. Within seconds,

traffic started to back up, a minute later it was at a dead stop for miles, the drivers coming up to the 55 MPH cars were going seventy-plus, had to brake, and things just telescoped from there. The cars in back were at a dead stop even though the cars in front were moving at a (relatively) quick pace.

It’s just physics.

Soon cars were passing these two morons on the shoulder of the highway and road rage reached a logical peak until cops came into play.

I remember about ten years ago I was driving back from the casino in Michigan City on Christmas Day because, um, I was late for mass or something. I got behind a car driving 68.002 mph in the right lane and he decided to pull out and pass a guy going 68.001. The “fast guy” was a 90-year-old man, the slow car contained the couple from “American Gothic” minus the pitchfork.  Neither driver so much as glanced at the other driver. I’m sure they both had their cruise controls on because their rate of speed never flickered, the “pass” took almost twenty minutes.

Meanwhile, cars are blowing by them (and me) on the gravel, the sound of anti-sleep rumble strips filled the air, suggestions were screamed through open windows, fingers were flipped, and the traffic behind them (and me) was bumper to bumper as far as the eye could see. I remember one guy passing on the shoulder as a bridge was coming up and I actually closed my eyes and turned my head because I thought he was about to bite a concrete pillar.  He didn’t, but the drag racers in front of me didn’t seem to notice he was even there, neither one so much as tapped the brakes.

The bottom line is Zippering will not, cannot, ever work. I’ve driven all over this country and I have never, ever, not once, seen an instance where a-holes flying to the front looking for cuts worked. Ever. I would actually support a National Holiday in honor of truckers who pull out and block the imbecile lane. You, Dusty, are my hero.
So if you’re one of those weenies who thinks cutting in front of 100 other drivers because your nail appointment is more important than wherever your fellow citizens are going, feel content in knowing that I have put a curse on you, your reproductive organs, and your family for five generations. And if I see you on the street and you feel the need to argue the point, well you can just ... zip it.

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