Tracy K. Lorenz

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Played


Every now and then my senses get overloaded by seeing the same things over and over and over, I need some news. Here's a short list of things I’m tired of or, to be colloquial...played.

Zombies:  Okay, you put on lots of make-up, walk slow, and scare people; so do half the teenage girls at the mall.  We’ve had Zombie movies, Zombie TV shows, Zombie specials on Mythbusters, and cities trying to set a record for having the most zombies walking around on a given night. It’s so cliché it makes me Yawn at the Dead.

Dumb horror movies: When a person in a movie is being killed by having a plastic bag put over their head, instead of reaching back to try and grab the guy, why don’t they just poke a hole in the bag?

Speaking of which, if I was going to murder someone I’d first lure them into one of those Halloween Haunted Houses where everyone would think it was part of the act. There’s probably a movie for that.

“Scraped” pumpkins:  Once again adults have shoe-horned their way into a kids’ activity and ruined it.  Okay, you can buy a stencil, apply it to the outside of a vegetable, and then scrape off the outer layer. 
Congratulations, Piccaso, you’re an artisn’t.  Cut the top off your kids’ pumpkin, help them clean it out, take a steak knife and cut out some triangle eyes and a crooked mouth and call it good. When I see a scraped pumpkin I know there’s a frustrated mom and a henpecked dad miserably living inside the house on whose porch the pumpkin sits. Give it up, Martha Stewart, and let your kids have a
little fun.

 Posting food pictures on FaceBook:  Dude, seriously, it’s food.

 Same goes for colored leaves, women drinking, and soccer updates.

And I can’t wait until I don’t have to see Facebook pictures of pumpkin spice beer..

 Soccer Updates:  Here’s an inside tip: no one cares about your kid’s soccer team. No one.  They never will. It’s soccer for gosh sakes. People are more likely to be impressed with your Beanie Baby collection than be impressed with your kids uncanny ability to run around aimlessly and kick a ball.

“Sexy” Halloween costumes:  See that girl on the box?  You don’t look like her, you have never looked like her, and you will never look like her.  What you do look like is a desperate woman who should have skipped the sprinkles on your last trip to the Pizza Ranch Ice Cream Bar.  On the plus side, alcohol makes you look even more ridiculous but gives those around you topic for conversation.

Self Check Out Lanes:  Okay, the self check out lanes aren’t played, but there’s an assumption that when you enter the lane you have a clue as to how to use them.   I’m so tired of morons who can’t handle the complex task of dragging a box of Corn Chex over a piece of glass.  I think if the girl watching over the self check out lane has to come over and help you then she should be able to press a button and charge you a two-dollar “idiot tax” that will immediately be deducted from your bridge card.  I realize in the near future bridge cards will be done away with and after you call your order in to Meijer’s, the food will be driven to your house and prepared for you  in exchange for a straight ticket Democrat vote. But until that day comes please move your butt over to the regular check out lane so I can get back to my job and you can get back to playing Candy Crush on your phone.  I know that sounds a little rough but I’m just tired of people standing and staring at the check-out screen like a…Zombie.  


Printed by permission of the author. Email him at Lorenzat large@aol.com.

Get Tracy’s latest book at BarnesandNoble.com or Amazon.com, or  download it from www.fastpencil.com.

Only $3.99, cheap.

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