By Fred Cavaiani
Each of us hungers for self importance. We all want our place in the sun. We need self validation. Deep inside of us we want to feel worthwhile and important to other people. When this is lacking, our fragile egos hurt and we can quickly become sad. I just returned from a wedding of a beautiful young couple. It is evident that they are deeply in love and complement each other magnificently. We know the bride’s family and have experienced them as a family where each member radiates such love to the world that to be around the four daughters, son and loving parents is to experience love and validation. To be at this wedding with this wonderful family was a privilege and a joyful experience. To be there was to feel love and affirmed.
Each of us feels happy when someone affirms us. However, affirmation from others is not something that we can depend upon for our own self validation. There will always be people who disagree with us. Someone else can always be picked to be on the team before us. We make mistakes and we fail at things.
I am beginning to realize that what gives us self worth is what we bring to the world. What I positively bring to the present moment is what validates me as a person. When I can embrace the present moment with reflection and gratitude I send out a positive affirmation to the world that creates a loving atmosphere. In this loving atmosphere everyone benefits. When I am not loving, caring and respectful of the profound meaning of the present moment I begin to devalue myself.
We have a dog now, a temporary arrangement. It has been years since we have had a dog. This little dog can set off such feelings of anger inside of me that I never knew existed. I am beginning to realize that it isn’t the dog doing this. It is me not responding to him with empathy and affection. I make it difficult for myself to embrace the dog and see the good in this little pet. I am making myself miserable when I do this. When I embrace this little dog, I feel better, he feels better and everything seems better. It takes an experience like a dog barking when I least expect it to force me to look at myself more. I am challenged to embrace the present moment in a more meaningful manner. The way I had been angry at this dog wasn’t very meaningful. As a result of positively embracing the present moment and observing what goodness I can bring or find in the present moment, I begin to validate myself as a worthwhile person. I don’t have to have my name in lights to feel good about myself.
Every interaction with life brings positive energy to the world. We all have the power to make the world a better place by our actions and our attitudes. We all radiate the energy of love and peace to the world. We can also radiate anger and unrest to the world. What I give to the world is what I give to myself. The more criticism I give to other people, groups and things the more I criticize myself and lower my self worth. When I attribute ill motives to other people before I even hear what they are really thinking, the more I stop myself from feeling warm and positive toward myself. I am beginning to realize that all the times in my life that I have spent in condemning others, I was really condemning myself. I was stifling my own ability to love and understand life and bring more love and positive energy to life.
I have the ability to be nurtured and enriched by wherever I am and with whomever I may be with in some form of dialogue or presence. It is up to me. The other day I had breakfast with two old friends. The young waitress must have wondered when she saw these three old guys coming into the restaurant. Senior citizen dialogues and much time taken up with nothing may have been her thought. By the time we left, the waitress had told us her life story, felt loved, affirmed and validated. So much so that the other waitress in the restaurant came over and told us that next time we come in we could also ask for her also to serve us. So much of this came about because my old friend of many years encounters every person in a positive manner. This positive dialogue causes everyone to feel validated.
Look closely and embrace the world around you. Connect with whatever person is with you. It will enrich your life and it will enrich their life. It will also bring more positive energy to the place in the world where you are at this present moment. And the best part of all this is that will validate your own self worth and help you to feel better about you. Every encounter with nature improves the world if I will allow it. Every encounter with an animal can be positive or negative. And every human encounter can profoundly affect a person in a positive way. Again, all of these encounters with life, people, or animals validates my reason for living. And of course what is at the basis of all of these encounters is a profound encounter with the Source of everything. This profound encounter with the Divine in the present experience of life connects all the dots in life. To realize this is to cause a deep, positive change in our lives. It validates us.
Fred Cavaiani is a licensed marriage counselor and psychologist with a private practice in Troy. He is the founder of Marriage Growth Center, a consultant for the Detroit Medical Center, and conducts numerous programs for groups throughout Southeast Michigan. His column in the Legal News runs every other Tuesday. He can be reached at (248)362-3340. His e-mail address is: Fredcavi@yahoo.com and his website is fredthecounselor.com.
