Law Life: Avoid conflict at all costs

By Karen Natzel The Daily Record Newswire Avoid conflict at all costs. That is not merely a recommendation. It's an unfortunate reality in our human interactions. Most of us postpone dealing with difficult people, sensitive issues and challenging conversations. It's uncomfortable, awkward and downright scary at times. We lack a framework from which to start the conversation. How do we go about changing our conflict-avoiding ways? Oftentimes I observe individuals who think that because they are direct (aka "blunt") in their communications, they have no conflict to resolve. They feel they've made their point clear and often feel so strongly in their position that they leave little to no room for discussion. This can be true especially for people in positions of authority. This approach does little to truly resolve issues or create an environment for optimal decision-making or innovation. Nor does it do much to cultivate strong, trustworthy relationships. The pendulum of bluntness can show up in being so overly sensitive that some people feel like they're walking on eggshells. They become excessively concerned about what they say and how they say it. In this case, if one does attempt to address the problem, it's in a vague manner that clouds the issue and diminishes its seriousness. The person being addressed misses the point and usually doesn't appreciate what's at stake. What happens during the time span between recognizing an issue and finally addressing it? Generally, we make assumptions and create entire stories and motives for what's going on. We also inadvertently take it personally and build up resentment based on a tangled web of fabricated, unchecked beliefs. This can quickly deteriorate the relationship and bog down progress. I believe in addressing the issue as soon as soon as possible. If key performance indicators are not being met, or other team members are grumbling about their colleague, or your gut simply tells you something is not right, engage in the conversation. Don't wait until it's convenient, or you've finely crafted a message, or a formal performance review takes place, or you've accumulated enough data to prove you're right or whatever excuse you conjure up. The sooner you address it, the better. That's doesn't mean you can't be prepared for tough conversations. Here is a framework to jump-start the issue resolution dialogue: 1. Name the issue. Be specific about what's not working or what you see is causing grief. 2. Give one to three examples to illustrate the behavior or situation you want to see changed. (Oftentimes people are not aware of an issue that others may feel is blatantly obvious. They may initially be defensive, but they are more likely to see the problem when it is illustrated properly.) 3. Let the individual know how it makes you feel (frustrated, unsettled, disappointed, disrespected, unappreciated, etc.). 4. Then, explain exactly what is at stake if this issue continues unaddressed. Is the project in jeopardy of losing money? Is the company's reputation at stake? Is the person's job at risk? 5. Identify your own contribution to the problem. What have you done to play a role? Have you tolerated it longer than you should have? Did you elevate someone into a position they weren't ready for? Did you fail to explain your expectations for the outcome? Were you inaccessible for guidance or decision-making? Did you provide insufficient resources (time, money or manpower)? 6. Express your desire to resolve the issue. 7. Invite that person to respond. Be prepared to truly listen. Make an honest inquiry into the person's view. To demonstrate full understanding, be sure to paraphrase what you heard and acknowledge their perspective. Be cautious of the person attempting to take you down a "rabbit hole." Keep the person focused, so that the issue is addressed and the conversation isn't filled with reasons or excuses. Remember, the point of the conversation is to resolve the issue at hand. The conversation should reveal a deeper mutual understanding. Check in with each other to see if anything has been left unsaid. What did you both learn? How should you move forward? Reach an agreement about how to proceed and how to hold each other accountable. Adeptness at addressing conflict promptly, respectfully and optimally requires conscious and diligent practice. Build this skill and prepare to be rewarded immensely. Your team will begin to expect that you'll address them with issues as soon as they arise. It reduces friction and assumptions while significantly increasing trust -- which in turn breeds initiative and productivity. There's a management phrase that states: "We get what we tolerate." You no longer need to tolerate the inefficiencies, stressors and complications that come with avoiding conflict. What are you waiting for? Who do you need to talk to? What's the topic? Initiate it in a new way today. ---------- Karen Natzel is a business therapist. Contact her at karen@natzel.net or 503-806-4361. Published: Thu, Sep 29, 2011