Karen Natzel, The Daily Record Newswire
With the plethora of media forums, devices and communication channels that now exist, one would think we are connecting with others better than ever before. We have Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, meetings, conference calls, video conferences, blogs, instant messages, texts and emails. The sheer quantity is unruly; but what about the quality?
Not only is there a greater likelihood of miscommunication online, but there appears to be a growing tendency for people to substitute it for genuine interaction. Who hasn’t sent a quick text to put off a decision or distance oneself? We rapidly hit “send” and feel like we’ve done our part to stay in touch or be responsive.
As we go through our day at breakneck speed, and amass unanswered emails that deplete our energy reservoirs, one wonders if we will ever catch up to the demands of staying connected.
The basic human emotional need is to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance. Yet research shows that many online networkers experience increased feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Now, this column is not about the pros and cons of online social networking. Instead, the heart of what I want to explore is: Are we diminishing our willingness and capacity to have real, direct and meaningful conversations?
The quality of our conversations dictates the quality of our relationships
Think about the last time you had a powerful exchange with someone. Was it electronic or on the phone or in person? Was there a meeting of the minds? Was it genuine? Did you feel heard? If so, it was likely transformational — and no doubt increased the emotional bond and connection.
So, if a feeling of connection is equivalent to a feeling of belonging and acceptance, why do we fail to have the kind of conversations that actually produce that experience? It’s because meaningful and honest conversations take time, skill, courage and commitment. Such experiences also require that people be fully present — an increasing luxury in our time.
I work relentlessly with business leaders on the concept of “having the conversation.” By that I mean discussing what is most critical — to the issue at hand, the relationship and a company’s overall health.
Recently, a CEO I work with was exasperated by a member of his team who failed to take initiative. I asked, “Were you clear that you wanted him to take the initiative?” After reviewing a string of emails, it was clear to both of us that a directive wasn’t ever given expressing that the employee was empowered and expected to take ownership and drive the results.
The epiphany for this CEO was to pick up the phone, be clear in his expectations and receive clarification through paraphrasing that the employee is in total alignment with the assignment.
Oftentimes, we attempt to have the conversation, but with a tendency to avoid being truly direct. We infer, suggest, hint and gloss over. We avoid speaking the truth. Instead, we vaguely speak to the issue — and rarely partake in the practice of actively listening to ensure mutual understanding. Remember, conversation is a dialogue and not a monologue (no matter a person’s role in the company)!
Of course, we have a stack of reasons why we don’t “have the conversation.”
We’re busy. We don’t have time to discuss every single issue that comes across our desks. We need to get things done. We have emails to answer!
There hasn’t been a good time to discuss the issue (there rarely is).
We don’t know where to begin or how to articulate the issue (maybe we haven’t even thought it through ourselves and want to have it “figured out” before we address it).
We’re concerned that we will negatively impact the situation or hurt someone.
It’s awkward and uncomfortable.
The truth is that we are resistant for a number of reasons — from procrastination to fear. Whether it’s a performance issue, a missed deadline, a point of friction or something else, we often avoid engaging in the very conversation we really should have.
Why we should start having real conversations
Fostering a culture where open, honest dialogue is actively practiced and encouraged creates an atmosphere of trust and respect. People have more breathing room when they trust someone to voice concerns as they arise — not days or weeks later. Respect is conveyed when one engages with an employee or a colleague directly. It says the person is valued and considered able to handle the truth. Additionally, when timely and straight-up conversations take place, transparency and accountability are evident within the organization.
Don’t wait. Whatever the reason for not having the conversation, it’s negatively impacting the business and relationships. When issues are left unresolved, misconceptions, assumptions, fears and politics skyrocket and relationships suffer. When disruptive attitudes and behaviors are tolerated, organizations become burdened with inefficiencies.
Follow your gut. If a business leader believes a conversation needs to take place, then it probably does. Start developing the practice of having the conversation and set the tone for the organization in a more vibrant way. Those who do will be freed up to lead in more effective ways — navigating relationships, making key decisions and setting the course for growth.
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Karen Natzel is a business therapist. Contact her at 503-806-4361 or at karen@natzel.net.
