By Lisa Henderson-Newlin, The Levison Group
My husband and I hosted an Oscar viewing party this year. It wasn’t so much because I care who wins the awards, or even that I care what new fashions celebrities are wearing. I truly don’t. The real reason I enjoy hosting an Oscar viewing party is for the simple fact that it allows me a great excuse to eat buffalo chicken dip on a Sunday evening with a side of brownies and a cookie cake. Don’t judge.
As I watched the Oscars this year, not-so-silently judging the acceptance speeches and awkward pauses, it made me think about how Hollywood has several different awards and presentations, yet lawyers rarely have any. Granted, many firms may have the “Don’t ever get stuck in an elevator talking to that guy” award, but that isn’t something that’s either broadcast, or worthy of winning a statue. It’s also not so much an award as a rite of passage that1 all new associates must endure.
But what if lawyers had a yearly Oscar awards show? What would be the categories of the awards given? Who would host? What food would be served?
Fortunately for you, I thought about some of these tough questions so you don’t have to. Since I had to come up with a column for this week and I was too busy preparing for my fantastic Oscar party, this is the best I could come up with. Go with it. If you would have seen my Oscar party, you would be far more sympathetic to this column and its subpar quality this week.
First of all, I wouldn’t call the Oscars for lawyers “The Oscars.” That’s too unoriginal and quite frankly, I have no idea who Oscar is, so he doesn’t get to be the title of this amazing awards program I’m creating. Nope. The name of the award will be the name of someone iconic who has changed the way we view the legal profession. It should be someone who is synonymous with the qualities and ideals that lawyers possess. Yep, I totally agree there’s only one logical choice: Claire Huxtable from The Cosby Show.
Claire was a shining example of lawyers in the 80s, and not just because her canary yellow business suits were the color and intensity of the sun. She taught us that lawyers could be moms and wives, yet still have a sense of humor and a witty comeback. I think she was somehow crafted in my likeness. As a result, I propose lawyers have the Huxtable awards, or “The Huxtables,” as those in the know will call them. These awards will be yearly honors wherein lawyers nominate and vote for colleagues for various categories
Because lawyers are a competitive lot, and like to display their successes on large shelves, there will be Huxtable statues for the winners. These statues will be similar to the Oscar statues but bigger and shinier. Since Claire Huxtable was not only a legal professional but also a fashion icon, the statues will be of small business suits. In the spirit of fairness, they will be pantsuits so as to be gender neutral. It’s what Claire would want.
What are the categories of the Huxtables? I’m glad you asked. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:
• Biggest temper tantrum thrown during a legal proceeding.
• Best cross examination resulting in tears (Note: The tears can be from either the attorney or the witness...or both.)
• Best use of the defense of laches. (This isn’t so much because I want these awards to be merit based, but mostly because I love using the term laches.)
• Longest voicemail message
• Longest voicemail message without saying a single thing of importance.
• Most outrageous reaction to running out of coffee
• Most creative use of an associate.
• The red pen advocate award (There’s always that one attorney who wants to make corrections only using a red pen and finds any other color of ink unacceptable.)
• Best use of a copy machine after hours.
Don’t worry. These categories are just the beginning of the Huxtables, which are going to be huge next year. Just wait. I’m sure I will come up with more categories, but it’s getting late and Nick at Nite will be starting soon. How am I going to be inspired as a lawyer if I don’t get to watch Claire Huxtable and Matlock work their magic and capture the bad guys?
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Lisa Henderson-Newlin is a member of the law firm McAnany Van Cleave and Phillips. Contact Under Analysis by email at comments@levisongroup.com.
© 2013 Under Analysis L.L.C.
