Fred Cavaiani
This past week our middle daughter gave birth to her fourth child. She and her husband now have four beautiful daughters. Holding our precious little granddaughter felt mystical for me. As I was sitting in their home on Saturday, gently holding 3-day-old Giuliana with our daughter’s three older girls (ages 20 months, 5 and 7) and our other daughter sitting there with us with her two children (ages 6 and 8), I experienced a sense of love and warmth. This little girl in my arms, lying secure and content, set off in my mind the thought: ‘What will you become?’ This little bundle of joy is so needy for care and protection, warmth and tenderness at this young age. It is consistent love and tenderness that will create the environment for her to become happy, joyful and free in her life. I just sat there observing the warmth in our two daughters and the joy in their children. I looked at our eldest daughter, a high school teacher coming over to support her sister. I watched our middle child, a very successful business woman, nurturing her other three children with concern and laughter as my wife and I sat there holding this little baby girl. Our son, who teaches at Colorado State University, called while we were there to send his love and warmth. We all felt even closer to one another. I then became aware again that every person in this room needs care and protection and warmth and lots of love. And each of us needs this throughout our life. Every person in life needs a safe presence in order to thrive and experience joy in life. This new birth became another opportunity for all of us to provide a safe and loving presence to one another.
Little 3-day-old Giuliana was surrounded by her Mother, Father, Grandparents, Aunt and Cousins. It was a presence of warmth and tenderness. I thought to myself that what is happening in this room at this very moment is what every person in the world needs to keep going in a healthy manner. This little baby reminded me of the importance of creating a safe presence for everyone.
We are born, we live and we die. Between birth and death each of us needs to feel safe and loved. In order to have a meaningful life filled with a sense of self and a sense of wholeness we need to have experienced a safe presence of warmth and love in our lives. Little babies thrive when there is warmth and tenderness. Men and women thrive in the same manner. Countries and nations can only go forward in this manner. Babies become fearful and cannot trust when there is loud noise, scarce tenderness, and little warmth hovering over them. When there is not a safe and loving presence surrounding a child, that child will limp through life. So will families and nations. Yet a safe and loving presence can still be provided for babies and children who have become adults. A safe and loving presence can be also created for families, cities, nations and the world.
Most people act tenderly toward babies. Then the baby becomes a child, a middle schooler, a teenager and an adult and we can forget that this person still needs to experience tenderness and love. We give this safe and tender presence to a baby but it can be easy to forget that everyone needs this caring presence as an adult. You and I have the power to create a safe and tender presence for everyone we meet.
It is important to remember that the world needs exactly the same thing as a little 3-day-old baby: warmth, tenderness and gentleness.
It is painful to watch people condemn one another. It is very unsettling to watch child abuse, adult abuse, nation abuse, emotional abuse and spiritual abuse. This contradicts what we all know is most important in life. Every time we see a little baby we are reminded of what we desire in life. We want to feel safe. We want to feel loved. We want to be treated with tenderness and compassion. Holding my little granddaughter and watching the joy of my grandchildren and the love between my wife, our daughters and son, I again feel renewed and motivated to bring more love and tenderness to every person I meet. To those who stay angry and resistant to receiving love and tenderness, I will still bring love and tenderness. Little babies cry and become hungry for food and tenderness. Adult do the same. The angriest and most miserable people in the world are simply longing for love and tenderness even though they may not realize it.
Watch how good mothers treat their children, especially their little babies, and you will discover how to change the world and especially those closest to you.
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Fred Cavaiani is a licensed marriage counselor and psychologist with a private practice in Troy. He is the founder of Marriage Growth Center, a consultant for the Detroit Medical Center, and conducts numerous programs for groups throughout Southeast Michigan. His column in the Legal News runs every other Tuesday. He can be reached at (248)362-3340. His e-mail address is: Fredcavi@yahoo.com and his website is fredthecounselor.com.
