The Food Police Are Here to Brighten Your Holidays
By Nick Roumel
It was with horror that a friend shared an article entitled “50 Holiday Foods You Should Never Eat.” NEVER!!! I imagined an army of grim faced, gaunt Scrooges, smashing the buffet table alá Carrie Nation, handing out carrot sticks like consolation prizes to the hungry.
What were these offending foods that one should NEVER eat? Why I’m glad you asked!
Eggnog. “Just step away!” warn the authors. Never mind that it is a holiday favorite, and most folks probably have one glass a year. “Enjoy spiced cider instead,” urge the authors. Yes, nothing like that festive cinnamon stick.
Candied yams. Creamed spinach. Cranberry sauce. Sorry Aunt Edna, screw you and your special recipes. We will be “enjoying” a microwaved sweet potato instead, with a spinach salad topped with a few dried cranberries. Please ensure they’re not pre-sweetened!
Cheese straws. “These party staples look so innocent …” – but they’re NOT! They’re the Chucky of food! One nibble, and you’ll be dead on the floor with instantly hardened arteries.
Better do as the authors suggest, and have pretzels instead. Fa-la-freaking-la.
Fruitcake. Oh … ok. No argument there.
Pecan pie. “Potentially deadly.” I kid you not. Eat it and you might die!!!
Cheesecake: “Beware.” Sausage stuffing: “Ominous mixture.” Hot Buttered Rum: “Dangerous.” Oh oh, here comes the food police SWAT team - Freeze sucker! Slowly put down that mug and put your hands up!
Croissants. “When serving breakfast to house guests over the holidays, offer healthier choices … like oats.” And see their glowing faces of appreciation that you care about their regularity.
Lobster Newburg. “Avoid at all costs.” Hello? Are you even from the same planet?! If someone is serving me lobster, move aside and get me my bib! As for you, miserable killjoy, you can go crouch in the corner and nibble kale chips, for all I care!
Candy canes. I love this one, because the authors couldn’t think of a healthy alternative. So they just said “don’t eat them, put them on the tree instead.”
Chocolate truffles. These are supposed to be replaced with angel food cake, with which you can make “cake pops” and “get creative with toppings.” If you run out of angel food, you can always cut up kitchen sponges into interesting shapes. Like Chucky.
Happy holidays from us folks at “May It Please the Palate!” Have fun, and don’t be afraid to go crazy with the cheese straws.
Nick Roumel is a principal with Nacht, Roumel, Salvatore, Blanchard, and Walker PC, a firm in Ann Arbor specializing in employment and civil right litigation. He also has many years of varied restaurant and catering experience, has taught Greek cooking classes, and writes a food/restaurant column for Current magazine in Ann Arbor. He occasionally updates his blog at http://mayitpleasethepalate.blogspot.com/.
