By Lisa Henderson-Newlin
One thing I’m definitely not a fan of is Christmas music. I know. Ba hum bug. I just don’t like hearing the same annoying songs every single year for two months. Forever. Until I die. At least Miley Cyrus has an expiration date of when they’ll stop playing her music on the radio. (Fingers crossed.)
But the chipmunks? Those guys will be singing about wanting a hula hoop long after I’ve left this world.
Granted, some holiday songs are more bearable than others, and then there are some that are just weird. “Like what?” you ask? Like “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.”
When you stop and listen to the words, it’s a song about murder, alcoholism, pill addiction and hope for the holidays. So I’m going to break it down line-by-line, giving my thoughts to the stupid people who created this rather morbid tune.
“Grandma got run over by a reindeer,”
Um, please tell me this is what you’re yelling to the 911 operator and not what you’re jotting down as the beginning of a catchy tune. I sincerely hope you didn’t learn of Me-maw’s demise and immediately think “There’s a jingle in there somewhere, I know it.” Please tell me CPR was attempted.
“Coming home from our house Christmas Eve.”
Seriously? You let an elderly woman walk home by herself on Christmas Eve? If that’s how you treat her during the holiday season, I’d hate to see what you do to her when it isn’t such a hospitable month.
“You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.”
Seriously?! You followed up a declaration that your sweet old granny was murdered with a sentence of hope and believing in a mythical creature?! I just hope you believed in modern medicine because I suspect old Gran needed to believe in morphine and a neck brace.
“She’d been drinking too much egg nog,”
I assume by “egg nog” you mean whiskey.
“And we begged her not to go.”
Couldn’t you just stop the frail granny from leaving by simply putting your hand across the door jam and taking her walker? Really? You had to beg her to stay and when she refused you were all “You’re on your own!”
“But she’d left her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.”
ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?! This woman was drinking and forgot her medication so you let her STUMBLE into the SNOW?! Perhaps you should have torn yourself away from the TV just to make sure your arthritic Mimi didn’t fall in her alcohol-induced state.
“When they found her Christmas mornin’”
YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW SHE WAS DEAD UNTIL THE MORNING WHEN SOMEONE ELSE FOUND HER?! You didn’t bother to check to see if your drunk Me-maw who needed her pills made it home?
I find this a little hard to believe if I’m also to believe that you “begged her not to go.”
“At the scene of the attack,
There were hoof prints on her forehead,”
I hope at this point you’re feeling at least a little bad about the fact you left her out in the cold to get ravaged by wild animals. When you saw the hoof prints on her forehead, please tell me that at least then you called the authorities.
“And incriminatin’ Claus marks on her back.”
What? First, what are “Claus marks” and second, how are they incriminatin’? And third, do you not know proper English? Not only did you allow for a negligent homicide of your Gram-gram, you don’t even know how to formulate words or sentences. I’m beginning to understand why Gram was such an alcoholic pill popper.
You should be ashamed of yourselves. Instead of writing a nice eulogy for your Gammy, or perhaps going on the news to warn of the dangers of an “incriminatin’ Claus” and his rag-tag reindeer, you decided to write a holiday jingle about her death and how she was left outside in the snow all night long to die simply because you guys couldn’t be bothered to pull yourselves away from the TV?
But hey, at least you ended the song with an uplifting statement about how some people don’t believe in Santa Claus, but you and Grandpa believe. I realize you meant to suggest...wait...I have no clue what you meant to suggest. If you truly believed Santa mowed down your Gams, then of course you believe....because he’s guilty. You should file a police report.
And why are you writing it like believing in the man who took your sweet Gran away from this world is a positive thing? Is believing in Charles Manson also something we should sing to our kids about? I’m thinking you and Grandpa are missing your moral compasses. Perhaps they’re out in the snow clutched in Gran-Gran’s lifeless hands.
I hope you guys didn’t get anything in the will.
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Under Analysis is a nationally syndicated column of The Levison Group. Lisa Henderson-Newlin is a shareholder of the law firm McAnany Van Cleave and Phillips. She’s a contributing writer at NickMom, YourTango, Bustle, EliteDaily and others. She also writes a humor website, LisaNewlin.com. Contact Lisa at lhenderson@mvplaw.com or contact Under Analysis by email at comments@levisongroup.com.
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