Louise Penberthy, The Daily Record Newswire
Have you ever worked with someone who’s a poor listener? Probably you have: someone who never understands what you’re saying, who doesn’t seem to pay attention, who may even interrupt you constantly.
Alternatively, you may have been surprised by a coworker telling you that you’re not listening to them. Probably you have been listening, but you may be missing cues that people give when they don’t feel heard.
In my work as a mediator and a trainer, I’ve observed many conversations where people don’t seem to be listening to each other, who in fact may not be listening to each other. I’ve also observed conversations where someone doesn’t say outright that they don’t feel heard, that the other person doesn’t seem to be listening. Addressing the problem can be hard.
Here’s a process you can use to get a poor listener to listen to you. Later on, I’ll talk about specific behavioral cues you can look for to make sure you’re really listening.
If someone’s not listening to you
If you have a coworker who’s a poor listener, or who’s a good listener but who’s not listening at the moment, here’s a process you can use to get yourself heard.
If you’re nervous or concerned about speaking up, prepare yourself by grounding yourself and giving yourself some extra confidence. (I work with many clients who need to prepare like this; if you don’t need to, you can skip this step.) Visualize yourself as something strong and stable. Given where I am, I imagine that I’m Mt. Rainier; you could imagine that you’re Borah Peak.
Practice this visualization a few times. It’s fun, and you’ll be ready to use it immediately whenever you need it.
Prepare a few things you can say when a coworker’s not listening. That way, you’ll have them ready to use in the moment, when it’s sometimes hard to think of something to say. A good formula is to make a neutral observation, and follow with a suggestion for doing something different. For example, “You seem to have something on your mind (neutral observation). Should we talk at another time? (suggestion for doing something different).”
Or, “You started to talk before I was finished (neutral observation). Would it be okay if I finished what I have to say before you ask questions? (suggestion for doing something different).”
Or, “I notice you keep looking at your phone (neutral observation). Are you expecting an important call or text? (a more subtle suggestion, i.e., politely of suggesting that they stop looking at their phone).”
Of course, if this coworker reports to you, you can be more blunt. “You keep looking at your phone. Are you expecting an important call? If not, please put your phone away.”
Chances are, your coworker will start listening once you say something to them. Or, if your coworker does have something on the mind, or is expecting an important call, talking at another time would probably work better.
Promise yourself a reward for speaking up to a poor listener. For example, you could promise yourself to find your favorite view from the building, and look at that view for even just five minutes. You could enjoy one ounce of excellent dark chocolate. Or you could take a break and play your favorite game for five minutes.
Whatever you promise yourself as a reward, make sure you give it to yourself, even if speaking up wasn’t as difficult as you thought.
If a coworker says you’re not listening
Hearing that you’re not listening might come as an unwelcome surprise. Maybe you’re not in fact listening. Or maybe you’re listening but you’re missing cues that people display when they’re not feeling heard.
Here are some cues you should look for so you know that a coworker doesn’t feel heard. Your coworker may be:
• furling their brow
• wrinkling their face
• sighing or holding in breath
• repeatedly starting to say the same thing
• cutting themselves off short when you begin speaking
• having a set expression on their face
• speaking in a tight or stilted voice
• smiling overly broadly
• saying they don’t have anything more to say when earlier they did.
If you see any of these cues, there are several things you can do. You can stop talking and see if your coworker will finish what they were saying. You can ask, “Did you want to say something more?” You can say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were still talking. Please continue.”
Whatever you do, wait for your coworker to continue talking. A good guideline is to wait at least three times as long as you think you should. It will feel like a long time to you, but you’ll give your coworker a chance to collect their thoughts and continue talking.
If a coworker is a poor listener, prepare yourself to speak up tactfully, and reward yourself for doing so. If you’re hearing that you don’t seem to be listening, make sure you are. Better still, look for the cues that tell you a coworker doesn’t feel heard, and let them speak.
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Louise Penberthy is a mediator in Seattle who specializes in work with tech and IT companies. She also writes about diversity, inclusion, and enjoying cross-cultural experiences. She can be reached at (206) 930-1113 or louisep@ humaninterop.com.
