Charles Kramer, The Levison Group
I was minding my business in the new Levison Towers building located across the street from the strip mall housing the Subway and Dollar Tree, when a bright eyed young man entered the office.
He quickly informed me that he had come up with a great way to make some extra money on Friday nights, but it involved frequenting several taverns, and he had recently been arrested. I tried to explain that he had found me at my columnist office, and not my law office, but he would have none of it. I also tried to explain that he needed a criminal, not a corporate lawyer. He assumed that I meant criminal as a noun, rather than an adjective, however, and insisted that he needed a lawyer, not a law breaker. Realizing that I'd never get my column completed unless I dealt with the man's problem, I asked him to explain.
His story was unique, to say the least. He was hired by the best man in an upcoming wedding to join the bachelor party festivities at a local tavern. When it came time to leave, nobody in the wedding party saw the police officer parked in the shadows in the parking lot across the street. My soon-to-be client was the first to leave. He put his red convertible directly into second gear, floored it and squealed out of the parking lot. Although he wasn't weaving, the policeman took chase and pulled him over a scant 1,000 yards down the road. The officer approached slowly and motioned, asking the man now sitting before me to lower his window. The man candidly admitted he feigned ignorance of what he was being asked, and wasted about ten minutes of the officer's time before complying. He swore the policeman believed that he had not understood, however, and that this delay was not the issue. After the window was finally down, the man burped loudly in the officer's direction, but did not spit or otherwise cause any issue. The officer directed him to step out of the car, which after much fumbling with his seat belt release, he finally managed to do, but fell flat on his face in the process. Grabbing the side of the car, he pulled himself up, and looked at the officer, and mumbled a somewhat incoherent apology. The officer ordered him to step away from the car, and instructed him to take a first field sobriety test - telling him to touch his nose. The man claimed that he took his time, noticeably steadied himself, and then touched his nose, but admitted that his arm made a long, sweeping, somewhat inconsistent arc before causing his digit to touch his nasal protrusion. He was next asked to stand on one leg, which he did for a couple seconds before needing to steady himself. He explained to the officer that he had a wart on his foot, but the policeman just shook his head. The officer concluded that the man was intoxicated, and proceeded to retrieve a breathalyzer from his vehicle. When he applied the breathalyzer, however, the readings showed no alcohol whatsoever. Perplexed, he asked the man how that was at all possible.
My client paused in his recitation, at that point, prompting me to ask him to tell me how he had responded.
"Well," he said, "I glanced up and down the road, and saw that the entire bachelor party had long since passed the spot in their own vehicles, leaving me all alone. I thus decided I didn't need to stall any longer. I informed the officer that I had, in fact, seen him in the parking lot, had intentionally squealed my tires, and had been intentionally taking my time and passing the field tests, while making it seem that I was intoxicated despite the technically passing efforts. Seeing that this only further confused the man, I explained that designated drivers rarely worked in social settings, so I had begun a business of being the designated decoy. At which point he arrested me for obstructing justice"
Although I am a corporate, not a criminal, lawyer, I could not help but take the case. After all, it seemed like an employment issue to me.
Under Analysis is a nationally syndicated column of the Levison Group. Charles Kramer is a principal of the St. Louis, Missouri law firm Riezman Berger PC. Comments or criticisms about this column may be sent to the Levison Group c/o this newspaper or to the Levison Group at comments @levisongroup.com.
© 2016 Under Analysis L.L.C.
Published: Fri, Nov 04, 2016
