Shawn Healy, BridgeTower Media Newswires
Most often when people hear the word “networking,” they think of a means for ultimately getting a job or getting clients.
In today’s legal industry, networking is an essential part of marketing your legal services, creating connections for future job opportunities, and strengthening your brand. It is rare these days to hear of someone who got a job by simply sending in a resume cold, without having any connection to anyone involved in the process.
Unfortunately for many, networking is also one of those activities that elicits much anxiety and increases a sense of vulnerability. One reason why networking is uncomfortable for so many is the fact that often the power to achieve the traditional goal of networking is in someone else’s control.
For example, if my goal is to get a job, then by definition I am relying on someone else to provide that job opportunity. The more we desire something that is outside of our control, the more helpless we feel. And before you say, “Thank you, Captain Obvious, for that insight,” allow me a moment to break this down and to suggest a less stressful (and ultimately more effective) alternative.
When we want something desperately (like a job) and we are relying on someone else to provide what we want, our anxiety rises. The risk of disappointment is high and the sense of vulnerability is palpable. When you feel this way, it affects your performance. At a networking event you might feel pressured, nervous or self-conscious.
Very few of us perform well under these circumstances. So, what if you could change your goal so that you would feel less pressured, vulnerable or insecure?
The secret to lowering your anxiety in networking situations can be summed up in this simple phrase: give to others what you seek for yourself. Start small and expand from there.
When you arrive at a networking event, you might feel like you need a friendly face, someone who welcomes you, someone who starts a conversation with you or invites you into an ongoing conversation. You might need a new acquaintance to introduce you to someone else who might be able to help direct you to your ultimate goal (a job or referrals).
These are all examples of things that you can provide for others. You can be the friendly face, the one who welcomes others (even if you are new), the one who invites others into a conversation (even if you think everyone else knows each other), and the one who tries to introduce a new acquaintance to someone else (that you literally met five minutes ago) who can help them in a more substantial way.
The insecurity felt while networking is often due to the idea that someone else has what you need and you feel powerless in some way. Changing your focus to give to others what you seek for yourself can shift that dynamic. Now you are exercising your power in areas where you have control, as opposed to waiting for someone else to exercise his power to help you.
This reduces anxiety, reduces the risk of failure (because you are now in control of whether you succeed at your new goal), and ultimately allows you to make stronger connections with others, which will eventually lead to your needs being met.
This approach to networking can also help with the insecure thoughts that result when we compare ourselves to others. Let’s say I’m unemployed or my practice is struggling and I need more clients. I walk into a networking event feeling vulnerable. I see people doing their best to project confidence. They seem like they are not so vulnerable, which makes me feel worse. I then question what I have to offer and feel less than everyone else. Now I want to avoid networking events in the future.
Not a pleasant experience. But what if instead of comparing myself, my accomplishments or my position to everyone else in the room, I simply reminded myself that we are all human beings? Human beings with hopes, dreams, struggles and insecurities.
And what do human beings need during a networking event? A friendly face to approach. You can be that friendly face for one person, two people or every single person at the event. When you focus on giving something to others, you feel less in need. And ultimately less at risk of rejection.
It’s the long view of networking, and it requires more time and energy. But it is a much more effective way to network than to try to go in quickly, impress everyone on site, and land a job before the event is over. That’s not realistic and it doesn’t actually create a network for you.
So, throw out your old goals of networking and try something new. You might just be surprised at how much you like networking.
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Dr. Shawn Healy is a licensed clinical psychologist on staff with Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers of Massachusetts. He is the co-author of “The Full Weight of the Law” (an ABA publication) and he also writes and presents on a variety of topics germane to the practice of law. He can be contacted at shawn@lclma.org.
