The "Doc"

The Hidden Power of Feelings (Part I)

September 2018

If you are asking yourself, “How did I start feeling so strongly for this person? I barely know him/her,” or “I am in a relationship, but this feels so right”... Let us explore some possibilities of how you got to where you are. Ready?

In reality, many people enter into relationships unintentionally. The smell of perfume, the touch that went six seconds too long, the look of deep interest, the sense that someone is really listening. These and many other little things can create a hidden bonding of which we are not always aware.

Most people do not wake up in the morning and think, “Well, I need to find someone to so I can feel like a cheat,” or “I want to steal him/her away from their lover.” For many, let us just say, it happens. Often, we participate unaware of where we are going emotionally. The only thing in our awareness is a good feeling, and, what’s wrong with that?
Well, in some cases, everything.

The problem? Feelings tend to dictate, if not determine, what is right from wrong. Feelings could justify wrong, and make wrong unquestionably right. Researchers say that peer pressure can be as strong as or stronger than parental pressure. This theory is quite applicable to feelings. Regardless of one’s faith, theology, or upbringing, when feelings are strong, our belief system is not only compromised, it goes out the window. When feelings are strong, and what we want conflicts with what we believe, many of us will lean towards what we want. Yes, really.

In a study undertaken by Frank Pittman, he cited the divorce rate among those who married their lovers (premarital activity) was 75%. Susan Berger, Marriage and Family Therapist, shares these thoughts pertaining to this hidden bonding: “Feeling torn between two lovers can be an agonizing experience. Besides the guilt, and fear of discovery, there is usually some degree of awareness that sooner or later one of those relationships will end. Trying to decide which one would be the most painful to lose may lead some to wonder what the chances are that a relationship that starts off as an affair will succeed.” 1

Now, think about this. How often do we look for a spouse or partner who will help us, and we help them, achieve their goal in life as a primary reason for bonding? If our primary reason for bonding is based on how we feel or, how they make us feel, we have a problem. Why? It’s quite simple – feelings change. And, guess what else? If feelings change and you based the premise of your relationship on feelings, well, you might as well build your house on sand.

Here are some things to think about when dealing with feelings:

1. Feelings are not good or bad, it all depends on what you do with them and, most of all, being aware of them. There is nothing wrong with someone from the opposite sex making you feel good. The root of the problem is not the other person, it is you. If you are needy for attention, affection, someone to hold you, and you are not aware of it, you become vulnerable to bond with every person who smiles at you. While they are just saying, “Hi,” through their smile, you hear, “I want you too.”

Yes, feelings influence how we see what we see and how we hear what is being said.

2. Practice being alone. Our need to avoid being alone will develop a need to be with someone. Too often that someone is not the right one but because of our feelings, we convince ourselves they are Mr. or Mrs. Right.

We develop a need for someone we do not need because of how we feel.

3. May I ask a personal question? Do you really love yourself? No, honestly? If you are not sure, I have one more question. Is it possible to give to someone what you do not have for yourself?

It is my hope that you come to see yourself for who and what you are, a wonderful and precious human being. It will take work but there is one person who believes in you, that is me.

P. S. On October 20, 2019 you can join a crowd of people on a Marriage and Family Celebration Cruise sponsored by Abiade & Abiade Associates. Call 1-888-636-3668 and ask for information on the Marriage and Family Celebration Cruise in October 2019. You will be surprised by our low prices.

1.

http://aboutaffairs.com/2008/02/can-relationships-that-start-as-affairs-succeed/