Typing Out Loud
It would suck to be immortal, overweight, and banished to the North Pole 364 days a year.
I wonder why Chinese food never includes cheese?
If autonomous cars drive people to Tinder dates they’re basically being farmed by robots.
The older I get the more I dislike the exchanging of Christmas presents. I don’t mind presents for kids, but giving and getting presents for adults just feels like a scam. And it doesn’t matter how many times I say “I DO NOT WANT ANY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS” no one will adhere to my request. If I said “I want a Chia Pet for Christmas” I’d get inundated with Chia Pets, but when I ask for nothing, the absolute simplest thing to get, no one can follow the plan.
Children think the world is in safe hands because it’s run by adults, little do they know.
In every photo or film of Santa it shows him flying over and missing hundreds of houses at a time.
Kids get told about “stranger danger” but then are told to openly welcome an old, overstuffed man into their home to give them presents.
“Edgy” humor is another way of saying “it’s not funny”.
I wonder how many kids have no idea why their phone makes that noise when they take a picture?
There could be a gang out there completely composed of undercover cops each of which thinks he’s the only undercover cop.
The last thing a group of Batman’s enemies would hear him say if they removed his mask: “You idiots, that mask was the only thing keeping you alive.”
If the current season of SNL was the first season of SNL there never would have been a second season of SNL.
The amount of water on earth never decreased until we went into space.
Vegan Animal Crackers must be what irony tastes like.
When you could actually go out and purchase sweaters specifically made to be ugly the ugly sweater party officially became lame.
I wonder if mosquitoes have a favorite blood type?
A dragon can never blow out his birthday candles.
It’s weird that some hair knows when to stop growing and other hair doesn’t.
A gingerbread man in a gingerbread house is basically the definition of having no soul.
A horse seen from the side is “h”.
Army commercials show the best thirty seconds of the entire year.
The Greeks could probably memorize mathematical formulas by creating acronyms.
What if the reason we don’t have world peace is because beauty pageant contestants keep wishing for it out loud?
Printed by permission of the author.
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