Karen Natzel, BridgeTower Media Newswires
When I asked a team of superintendents what constitutes a quality conversation, I heard statements such as: “comfortable, no barriers, honest, caring, connection, no ulterior motives, authentic, productive, engaging, energetic, and an exchange.” A genuine, substantive conversation can truly be transformative, deepening understandings and strengthening connections.
Good communication requires clarity of thought and intention, care for the person and the relationship, and the ability and willingness to speak one’s truth. It requires being accountable for one’s contribution. It leads to building community, and in the workplace, that community is the essence of one’s work environment.
The Great Place to Work Institute defines a great workplace as a place where employees trust the people they work for, have pride in what they do, and enjoy the people they work with. When there’s a strong sense of camaraderie, there’s the feeling that people have your back, you know and care for each other, and you support each other’s capacity to grow.
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The most direct route for building camaraderie?
Let people see who you really are – your strengths, passions, hopes, fears, idiosyncrasies and failings. Showing up authentically takes awareness, courage and vulnerability.
Consider this quote: “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind,” which has been attributed to Dr. Seuss. I don’t interpret that to mean you have the license to be insensitive, rude, or cruel. You don’t want to be unaware of the impact you have on others. Instead, it’s an invitation to authentically express yourself. A refreshing level of candidness is a powerful foundation on which to build.
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What does it look like to demonstrate respect?
The most common answer I hear from employees: “When my opinion is sought out and listened to.” I would say there is another way to demonstrate respect to colleagues: being honest. The willingness to say what you mean, clearly and directly, says that you respect them as being capable of hearing it; that you care enough to share a divergent opinion or have a difficult conversation; and that you value collaboration based on a robust exchange of ideas. When people know you’ll speak your truth, they don’t have to wonder what you’re thinking. That helps prevent them from making up stories in their head and acting on such information as reality.
One of my core values is “maintain integrity in the conversation.” To that end, I’ve been doing an experiment. When I receive an email or text, I pause to bring a heightened awareness of how I want to respond. The pause “button” allows me to be intentional in what I want and how to articulate it. I let a friend know I was disappointed and a colleague know I disagreed with an approach; I caught myself making assumptions; and I discovered I can better shape the trajectory of a conversation by articulating what I want and need rather than going with the flow.
The results so far? It’s liberating! Not only that, but I feel more confident and whole when I’m not burdened by the clutter of “shoulds” and niceties. I’m more authentic, the air is cleared, and the connection is deepened. More rapport and trust are built because I’m showing up with a commitment to having a real, drama-free conversation. It’s also remarkably efficient, creative, and energizing!
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What gets in the way of us saying what we mean?
Numerous nuances and complexities derail effective communication. Cultural norms, habits, emotions, the pace at which we live, the amount of safety in a relationship, our awareness of what we want to say, and our confidence to do it are just a few of the influencers. Ineffective communication often stems from fear – fear of rejection, fear of hurting or offending someone, or fear of being perceived as selfish.
People with high capacity for adapting, pleasing, valuing inclusion, and avoiding conflict may find themselves being a bit of a chameleon. They may default to playing it safe, stuffing their emotions, or skimming the surface. That is not only unhealthy, but also ultimately unproductive and way more exhausting than learning how to communicate more directly.
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What would you say if you didn’t have to worry about how it landed?
I’m not suggesting that you should make this your style. Rather, recognize that when we overthink our communications we often fail to speak with impact. Temporarily letting go of how your message lands can free you up to gain clarity about what you want to convey. When you are writing that email, what are you really trying to say? When you are conducting that 1:1, what’s the conversation you should be having? Once you get clear on what you want to say, you can figure out the most effective and respectful way to get to the heart of the matter.
Take the K Challenge:
Bring a sense of curiosity to the conversation. Be ready to share, learn and augment what you know. Ask questions. Transformative conversations happen when both parties are open and engaged.
Be accountable for the exchange. Ask yourself how you want to show up, what you want to accomplish and how you can contribute to the conversation so that it’s complete. It’s your responsibility to express yourself clearly.
Be aware of your emotional reactions. If you find yourself triggered (annoyed, disappointed, confused, upset or unappreciated) by an email and respond in a “polite” or “appropriate” way that is counter to your truth, you are perpetuating a communication breakdown and potentially the deterioration of the relationship. It is also passive-aggressive, which often breeds resentment.
Make conscious choices about how you express yourself. What do you want/need?
Showing up authentically is an intentional, active and creative act. Each conversation is an opportunity to be true to yourself while building camaraderie, respect and trust among your community. As you gain confidence to speak your truth, you’ll expedite your growth and fortify your relationships.
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Karen Natzel is a business therapist who helps leaders create healthy, vibrant and high-performing organizations. Contact her at 503-806-4361 or karen@natzel.net.
