Berl Falbaum
Finally, we have a nominee for the incoming Trump administration that we should welcome back with open arms.
You may remember him: Herschel Walker who, in 2022, ran for the U.S. Senate in Georgia, losing by only a little less than 3 percent.
What is so special about Walker as opposed to other nominees Donald Trump has recommended? Walker, Trump’s candidate, provided us with much-needed relief from dark, oppressive Trumpian politics.
Alas, when he lost, I shed a tear; no one gave us so much material for irreverent satire. He was our Falstaff, who in three of Shakespeare’s plays, gave us pause from heartfelt tragedies with his comic demeanor, carousing with drunks and prostitutes, and showing nothing but contempt for those around him. Following Walker’s loss, I said we were gonna miss the guy.
While I seriously doubt that Trump thought of Falstaff when he recently nominated Walker to be nothing less than ambassador to the Bahamas, I felt like writing a thank you note to the president-elect.
A confession first: I have no idea whatsoever why we need an ambassador in the Bahamas. What in the world will Walker do? I suspect he has no idea either.
I googled “foreign relations between the U.S. and the Bahamas” and learned that all was pretty hunky-dory. Everything is copasetic. According to several intelligence agencies we contacted, the Bahamas have no plans to invade the continental U.S. We were assured that the ships in its “navy,”
when not involved in ultra-secret military operations, are rented to tourists for fishing and waterskiing. Great source of needed revenue. Moreover, the U.S. is happy to have the Bahamas serve as a getaway for snowbirds in the winters.
As I cogitated over this appointment, I remembered that in the Senate campaign while explaining his environmental policies, Walker told us he did not believe we need any more trees. Specifically, he asked: “Don’t we have enough trees [already] around here?”
That, at least, gives us a partial answer for the appointment: there are no trees on the beaches in the Bahamas. Not a one. Just miles and miles of treeless white sand.
He also articulated unique insights on why we are suffering from air pollution. Walker explained that we have so much bad air because our good air “decided” — on its own — to move to China. To make room for good air, China sent us its bad air.
I discounted that at the time, but now I hope Trump gives him at least one assignment: Have the Bahamas send warm air — of course, clean warm air — to Michigan between November and the end of April. They will not have to send us all their warm air; just enough so we can reach, let’s say, 60 degrees. The Bahamians have more than enough warm air to stay comfortable.
We will promise not to send our bad cold air their way. The two Michigan U.S. senators will sign a pact promising not to ship cold dirty air south and east.
(In our research for this column, we learned that Walker won his nomination after suggesting to Trump that he reduce proposed tariffs on China if it returns some of our healthy air.)
Overall, Walker insisted the U.S. is not ready for what is called a green agenda, stating:
“If we were ready for the green agenda, I’d raise my hand right now. But we’re not ready right now. So don’t let them fool you like this is a new agenda. This is not a new agenda. We’re not prepared. We’re not ready right now. What we need to do is keep having those gas-guzzling cars, ’cause we got the good emissions under those cars. We’re doing the best thing that we can.”
We will also promise not to send the “good emissions” from gas-guzzling cars.
Walker also challenged the theory of evolution and posed a question for which even Darwin would not have had a response. He asked:
“At one time, science said man came from apes. Did it not? If that is true, why are there still apes? Think about it.”
After thinking about it, I believe he may be right: Evolution appears complete in the Bahamas. There are no apes in the island country. There are some monkeys but they are not indigenous to the Bahamas.
It’s worth noting that 1.7 million Georgians voted for Walker’s environmental and evolution beliefs. They must have been impressed with his patriotism because, displaying his national pride, he referred to America “as the greatest country in the United States.”
Walkerites also were not disturbed by problems Walker has with his selected memory which includes the following:
• He remembered earning a college degree from the University of Georgia which he did not, but forgot about three children he sired. (It’s easy to confuse the two.) He also remembered being in the top 1 percent of the university class from which he did not graduate.
• He remembered that he was the valedictorian in his high school graduation class, but there is no record of that.
• He remembered doing “a lot of things in the military.” That’s the military in which he did not serve
• He remembered supervising six U. S. hospitals. These apparently did not have any doctors, nurses or patients because no one could find them. Perhaps Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the anti-vaccine advocate and whom Trump picked to head the Department of Health and Human Services, worked in one of them.
With little to do, perhaps the warm climate and rest will help Walker with his memory.
In any case, with Walker returning to national politics, we look forward to more Walkerisms. The problem: ambassadors to the Bahamas do not receive much coverage from the mainstream media.
Thus, we plan to contact Walker for interviews once a month at his ambassadorial residence which, we assume, will be a shed on the beach.
You may remember him: Herschel Walker who, in 2022, ran for the U.S. Senate in Georgia, losing by only a little less than 3 percent.
What is so special about Walker as opposed to other nominees Donald Trump has recommended? Walker, Trump’s candidate, provided us with much-needed relief from dark, oppressive Trumpian politics.
Alas, when he lost, I shed a tear; no one gave us so much material for irreverent satire. He was our Falstaff, who in three of Shakespeare’s plays, gave us pause from heartfelt tragedies with his comic demeanor, carousing with drunks and prostitutes, and showing nothing but contempt for those around him. Following Walker’s loss, I said we were gonna miss the guy.
While I seriously doubt that Trump thought of Falstaff when he recently nominated Walker to be nothing less than ambassador to the Bahamas, I felt like writing a thank you note to the president-elect.
A confession first: I have no idea whatsoever why we need an ambassador in the Bahamas. What in the world will Walker do? I suspect he has no idea either.
I googled “foreign relations between the U.S. and the Bahamas” and learned that all was pretty hunky-dory. Everything is copasetic. According to several intelligence agencies we contacted, the Bahamas have no plans to invade the continental U.S. We were assured that the ships in its “navy,”
when not involved in ultra-secret military operations, are rented to tourists for fishing and waterskiing. Great source of needed revenue. Moreover, the U.S. is happy to have the Bahamas serve as a getaway for snowbirds in the winters.
As I cogitated over this appointment, I remembered that in the Senate campaign while explaining his environmental policies, Walker told us he did not believe we need any more trees. Specifically, he asked: “Don’t we have enough trees [already] around here?”
That, at least, gives us a partial answer for the appointment: there are no trees on the beaches in the Bahamas. Not a one. Just miles and miles of treeless white sand.
He also articulated unique insights on why we are suffering from air pollution. Walker explained that we have so much bad air because our good air “decided” — on its own — to move to China. To make room for good air, China sent us its bad air.
I discounted that at the time, but now I hope Trump gives him at least one assignment: Have the Bahamas send warm air — of course, clean warm air — to Michigan between November and the end of April. They will not have to send us all their warm air; just enough so we can reach, let’s say, 60 degrees. The Bahamians have more than enough warm air to stay comfortable.
We will promise not to send our bad cold air their way. The two Michigan U.S. senators will sign a pact promising not to ship cold dirty air south and east.
(In our research for this column, we learned that Walker won his nomination after suggesting to Trump that he reduce proposed tariffs on China if it returns some of our healthy air.)
Overall, Walker insisted the U.S. is not ready for what is called a green agenda, stating:
“If we were ready for the green agenda, I’d raise my hand right now. But we’re not ready right now. So don’t let them fool you like this is a new agenda. This is not a new agenda. We’re not prepared. We’re not ready right now. What we need to do is keep having those gas-guzzling cars, ’cause we got the good emissions under those cars. We’re doing the best thing that we can.”
We will also promise not to send the “good emissions” from gas-guzzling cars.
Walker also challenged the theory of evolution and posed a question for which even Darwin would not have had a response. He asked:
“At one time, science said man came from apes. Did it not? If that is true, why are there still apes? Think about it.”
After thinking about it, I believe he may be right: Evolution appears complete in the Bahamas. There are no apes in the island country. There are some monkeys but they are not indigenous to the Bahamas.
It’s worth noting that 1.7 million Georgians voted for Walker’s environmental and evolution beliefs. They must have been impressed with his patriotism because, displaying his national pride, he referred to America “as the greatest country in the United States.”
Walkerites also were not disturbed by problems Walker has with his selected memory which includes the following:
• He remembered earning a college degree from the University of Georgia which he did not, but forgot about three children he sired. (It’s easy to confuse the two.) He also remembered being in the top 1 percent of the university class from which he did not graduate.
• He remembered that he was the valedictorian in his high school graduation class, but there is no record of that.
• He remembered doing “a lot of things in the military.” That’s the military in which he did not serve
• He remembered supervising six U. S. hospitals. These apparently did not have any doctors, nurses or patients because no one could find them. Perhaps Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the anti-vaccine advocate and whom Trump picked to head the Department of Health and Human Services, worked in one of them.
With little to do, perhaps the warm climate and rest will help Walker with his memory.
In any case, with Walker returning to national politics, we look forward to more Walkerisms. The problem: ambassadors to the Bahamas do not receive much coverage from the mainstream media.
Thus, we plan to contact Walker for interviews once a month at his ambassadorial residence which, we assume, will be a shed on the beach.
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