Lisa Henderson-Newlin, The Levison Group
I think I’ve stumbled upon something big. I realize I stumble upon many things both big and small as I’m terribly clumsy, but this time I mean the term figuratively. I think Keebler may be running a sweatshop.
It’s not important how I came to this revelation. After all, can’t a girl eat an entire sleeve of fudge-striped cookies while watching reality TV? She should be able to, so please withhold judgment.
At first glance the violations of labor laws at The Hollow Tree aren’t obvious. It appears as if the elves are working happily making chocolately goodness, but take a closer look. Their workspace is deplorable. The top of a tree? There’s not even proper ventilation up there. I can only imagine how hot it gets in the summertime slaving away over melting butter. It is a sweatshop...literally.
If it’s going to be hot and smelly, at least the elves should be able to get fresh air during the work day. However, that’s not the case either. There’s only one window and it’s at the front of the tree. They can’t use it because their idiot boss hangs his head out of it most of the time, probably trying to get a whiff of fresh air. That stench probably makes that tree house a biohazard site. The window may be the bossman’s only reprieve from elf body odor.
Even from outside the factory anyone can see code violations. Where’s the handicapped entrance? Is there an emergency exit? With the baking of fudge cookies comes the hazard of fire. How are the elves to escape if there’s only one exit? Yes, they’re little but only so many of them can fit through a door at a time. With the overstaffing they’ve got going on, they need multiple doors to safely evacuate.
Come to think of it, nowhere in any of the depictions of the elves and their workspace is a first aid kit or a fire extinguisher. Perhaps the elves don’t care about safety but their employer should.
On top of that, none of the elves wear eye protection or gloves, which is not only dangerous to the elves, it’s unsanitary. The next time I enjoy a 100-calorie pack I will be sure to keep my eyes open for tiny elf fingers that could have been lost in the slicing process.
I also can’t help but wonder if they’re being held there against their will. According to my sophisticated online research, the elves sleep at The Hollow Tree in addition to work there. It’s like the head elf is keeping them hostage! Should we be looking for SOS messages with the placement of each chocolate chip in every cookie we encounter?
I’m also concerned about whether they’re being treated appropriately. If they live there, they need to be eating well balanced meals including fruits and vegetables. Surely they’re not surviving only on graham crackers and E.L. Fudge cookies. (Sidenote: I think it would be amazing to survive only on graham crackers and E.L. Fudge cookies. I just think the elves deserve more.)
I suspect the elves aren’t well taken care of, which is why we never see them. Earnest, the head elf, is the face of the company. He’s always standing in his ill-fitting multi-colored suit pointing his hand at something random. However, he’s the only one that’s ever captured on camera. Where are the worker elves? Why can’t we see them every once in a while? Are they even allowed outdoors?
I doubt it. If the paparazzi can get daily shots of Britney Spears and Katy Perry, they would have certainly caught a candid shot of an escaped elf by now. That probably means they never leave. After all, if you can’t trust the paparazzi to do their jobs, who can you trust?
Now that I realize all these things about Keebler, I’m going to keep a closer eye on the elves and The Hollow Tree. Of course, this will require purchasing more of their products, including the rainbow chip cookies, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.
I’m such a humanitarian.
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Under Analysis is a nationally syndicated column of The Levison Group. Lisa Henderson-Newlin is a shareholder of the law firm McAnany, Van Cleave, and Phillips. She’s a contributing writer at NickMom.com and writes a humor website, LisaNewlin.com. Contact Lisa at lhenderson@mvplaw.com or contact Under Analysis by email at comments@levisongroup.com.
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