Lisa Henderson-Newlin, The Levison Group
It’s summertime and the living’s easy. Well, maybe the living isn’t easy but it’s definitely summertime.
Summer is my favorite time of year and lounging at the pool is one of my favorite pastimes, and not just because there’s a great concession stand. However, I can never escape my legal tendencies, even at the pool, and every year when I go I think about the legalities behind it. People undoubtedly injure themselves every year at their local swimming hole. From belly flops to slip and falls, the pool most certainly has its fair share of lawsuits.
So why is it that none of us signs a waiver when we’re admitted? Obviously, the pool hasn’t hired me as their lawyer because if it did it would require everyone to sign a waiver before accessing the pool. I’ve thought about what it should include, and here is my proposed waiver.
1. I agree not to run at the pool. I’m not sure why I would run around the pool as it’s all the same body of water and one part isn’t any more exciting than the other.
2. I will throw away my trash from the snack bar so ant farms don’t set up camp around the only available table. I will also agree to give the rest of my pretzel with cheese to the woman who has been eyeing it since I sat down.
3. I will not stand on the diving board while yelling to my friends about what kind of jump to do. I will collaborate with my friends and come to a decision about the jump before approaching the board.
4. I will not bring water guns to the pool and shoot them at unsuspecting people who didn’t want to get blasted in the face with chlorine water. I’m not sure why I would bring a gun that shoots water to be used while simultaneously standing in water.
5. I will not shove my body into a suit from last season and parade around the pool. I will accept that I have gained a few pounds and buy the next size up.
6. I will not spray sunscreen. I will use the stuff from the bottle because the spray sunscreen is ridiculous. I’m not that lazy.
7. I will not yell at my friends across the pool about stupid stuff.
8. I will read up-to-date magazines so I can share them with other pool goers when I’m done. Everyone deserves to be caught up on the latest celebrity gossip.
9. I will not throw a tantrum like it’s the end of the world when my parents make me leave the pool. I will come back the next day. And the next.
10. I will wear shoes in the restroom, because it’s gross not to.
11. I will ignore the fact that the lifeguards are all 16 years old and weigh 100 pounds and couldn’t even save my left foot if I was drowning.
12. If I fall asleep at the pool I won’t snore. If I do, I understand if other pool goers move my chair away from them.
13. I will not block the exit ladder in the deep end of the pool. If I’m under 10 years old I shouldn’t be in the deep end anyway.
14. I will not talk loudly on my cell phone while laying out. I realize, however, it’s acceptable to do so only if I discuss juicy gossip on the phone and then let other pool goers in on the details.
15. I will not ask my friends whether that was a good cannon ball. It’s a cannon ball. There’s no skill.
Maybe this waiver wouldn’t deter these behaviors from happening at the pool, but it would at least give a basis to kick people out for their idiotic behavior. Then again, if people were kicked out for violating these rules, there would be no one but me left at the pool. Come to think of it, that wouldn’t be so bad.
Hey, local pool, call me.
©2014 Under Analysis, LLC. Under Analysis is a nationally syndicated column of The Levison Group. Lisa Henderson-Newlin is a shareholder of the law firm McAnany Van Cleave and Phillips. She’s a contributing writer at NickMom.com and writes a humor website, LisaNewlin.com. Contact Lisa at email@example.com or contact Under Analysis by email at firstname.lastname@example.org.