Fred Cavaiani
We have said “goodbye” to many people in 2016. In the last week of 2016 Carrie Fisher died and her mother Debbie Reynolds died. For many generations it was like saying goodbye to childhood and young adulthood. Saying goodbye to loved ones and admired ones because they have died is part of everyone’s life. Birth and death are two realities that we all must pass through. What happens between these two bookmarks of life is up to us. I have a friend who lives alone. He had been quite sick on Christmas and the few days after Christmas. I couldn’t reach him and his family in Wisconsin couldn’t reach him. I got worried after I received a call from his brother saying he couldn’t be reached. So I quickly called the police to go and check on him because they could get there before me. Later I received a call from my friend telling me that two angels dressed in blue came into his house to talk with him and they were so kind and gentle. Thank God he was all right. He had been sleeping for many hours because of the medication he had been taking. But again here was an example of the possibility of losing someone you have known as a good friend for many years. We were all relieved to know that he was still in the land of the living.
With the deaths of so many well known people in 2016 it feels like we can just be waiting for the next death to happen. It is like walking through life with the feeling of impending doom about to fall upon us. People who have recently lost a close family member can identify with this feeling so powerfully.
As we start this New Year that seems to be a New Year of tension and uncertainty with the new political administration and the impulsive statements often made by the president-elect, it can be easy to feel anxious and judgmental. Combine this with your own personal losses and you might feel a bit sad and helpless.
Between the bookends of birth and death, the experience of feeling sad and helpless can sometimes seem all encompassing. Where is the joy and the hope?
The other day I asked someone what was their happiest time in life? This young person told me that when she was on a mission trip to Haiti working with the very poor was the happiest time in her life. I asked her why and she said: “The people there are so very poor. They have nothing. Yet they always seemed to be so happy and peaceful.” As we explored this it became evident that these poor people in Haiti had experienced a culture of poverty where they realized that to treasure one another and the love they had for one another was the one value in life that remained. This young lady discovered something that many of us can easily miss in life. Life is all about relationships and love.
Happiness in this life is never dependent upon how much I have in possessions and financial security. It is dependent upon what I have in my relationships with other people and what I have in my relationship with God.
Relationships are based on how much love I give to you. It is not based on how much you give to me. My relationship with a God of my understanding is based on how well I take time to connect with this God in my own particular style. But I need to take the time to be quiet and connect so I can learn and feel and experience some wisdom from this quiet receptivity to someone bigger than me.
During the last week of the Christmas season I made an effort to look with loving attentiveness at my family and friends. I gave up worrying how I thought people should be and just internally loved them as they are. I gave up any resentments that sometimes can surface when I am attentive and focused on others. I begin to realize that life is very simple. It is all about love. It is all about making connections with others and internally sending them loving energy and good wishes.
I am beginning to realize that happiness in life results from reaching out to others in love. It is never to be concerned with how well others reach out to me. That is wasted energy and wasted worrying. When I look at small children and family pets, they just want to reach out in love to others. They just hunger for a positive relationship with those around them.
A happy life begins when I realize that the more I love others the more I experience something profoundly peaceful. I really don’t have to worry what happens politically, religiously, or socially. My only concern between the bookends of my birth and my death is how well I am going to open my heart and mind up to divine love and how well and consistent I am going to be in reaching out to others in kind actions, words and inner loving thoughts.
So in this new year of 2017 I am resolved to keep things very simple. Just love others, become more quiet and experience the profoundness and peace of a God of my understanding. With these two simple fundamentals of loving others and becoming very quiet and reflective I can leave something to others that is positive, loving and peaceful before I reach out and cross over to that other bookend of life. This attitude will help the crossover be tranquil. It will also leave behind a memory that will stay with others forever. We are all on the same journey. It is simple. It is profound. It is joyful. Happy New Year everyone.
––––––––––
Fred Cavaiani is a licensed marriage counselor and psychologist with a private practice in Troy. He is the founder of Marriage Growth Center, a consultant for the Detroit Medical Center, and conducts numerous programs for groups throughout Southeast Michigan. His column in the Legal News runs every other Tuesday. He can be reached at 248-362-3340. His e-mail address is: Fredcavi@yahoo.com and his website is fredthecounselor.com.
