Tracy K. Lorenz ...


Bored Games

I was in a coffee shop last week and noticed a shelf full of board games and thought to myself, “I wonder how much they’d have to pay me to play checkers with Man-Bun over there?” The number I came up with had two commas in it.

The thing is, I’ve never liked board games, they’re too lethargic and rely more on chance than skill. My fate should not lie in my ability to roll a four under pressure. The only game I ever really liked was called (I think) “Guess Who?” There were a bunch of people with different facial characteristics and you’d knock them off until there was only one left. “Does he have a beard?” “Yes,” and you’d knock down all the people who didn’t have beards. “Is he wearing glasses?” “No,” so you’d eliminate all the glasses-wearers and so on. Each game took about two minutes and taught my son Q (who was four at the time) valuable detective skills he’ll use later in life.

But why do I hate other board games?  Here ya go ...

Chutes and Ladders / Sorry: I automatically hate any game that has the option of going backwards. I’d be inches away from victory, hit a freaking chute, and backwards I’d go. Apparently the games manufacturer forgot about my ability to splay my arm and legs out like a starfish, stop myself mid-chute, and crawl back up.

I did like the Pop-O-Matic, though, I think casinos should install them on craps tables just to speed things up.

Monopoly: I’m not sure I ever finished a game of Monopoly, Monopoly is a game we played until it quit raining.

Scrabble: The should have named it “Shoot me, please.” For the love of GOD just play a word, any word, you can even make up a word, just do SOMETHING to keep me from Kool-Aid-Manning through the wall behind me. Here’s the deal, you’re exactly as smart now as you were when you sat down to play, staring at seven vowels will not suddenly increase your vocabulary.

Trivial Pursuit: First, never play by the rules.  If you get an answer right you get a pie. Period. We actually instituted the use of the word “Blurt” when playing, which meant whoever was reading the question could randomly say “Blurt”  which means you have no chance of knowing the answer so just blurt something out so we may proceed.

Pictionary: It’s not even fun when you’re drunk.

Chess / Checkers: I’m too offense minded so invariably fall into traps which doesn’t really bother me that much.

Operation: If you want to play a game that involves batteries then you better have batteries in your pocket because the ones in the game will have fuzzy green ends on them.

Mystery Date:  I can’t even IMAGINE what that game would look like now. I never played it but I remember the commercials; the “best” date was a guy in a tuxedo, the worst date was a plumber. I thought that ranking more than besmirched the fine members of our trade industries.

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