Berl Falbaum
I was in my favorite bakery the other day and noticed how empty it was.
“What’s up, Gus?” I asked the owner. “Where are the customers?”
“Ever since Trump recently said in Howell you can get mugged, shot, or raped just buying a loaf of bread, my business has gone to hell,” Gus said. “The last time I had a customer was when a guy dressed up as a gas company repairman and pretended that he came to fix a leak. When he left, he hid a loaf in his tool box.”
“So, what are you gonna do?” I asked.
“Really don’t know…I’m looking at providing insurance for customers but that would mean I’d have to charge ten thousand bucks for a dozen of bagels,” he lamented. “I could also provide security escorts. I hope the 77 million who voted for him are happy without their bread.
“I’m also looking into opening up a shoe store, or selling shirts and ties,” he added. “Trump didn’t say you could get killed buying those items.”
Gus handed me a loaf of bread. It was a little stale and hard.
“That’s on me,” he said. “You took the risk to come and I appreciate it.”
“You know,” he said. “Trump has a lot of nerve. He can send out his Secret Service security detail to buy bread, with guns drawn. I was going to sue him for defamation but my lawyers said he is probably protected by the recent Supreme Court ruling on presidential immunity.
“Anyway, they all would have had to recuse themselves given that before Trump’s charges, they all, of course, ate bread. So, they couldn’t hear the case.”
Gus told me that Trump claimed “I’ve seen it,” when alleging that people were murdered and raped trying to buy bread.
“The bakery near Mar-a-Lago must be in a terrible neighborhood,” Gus said. “Maybe Trump should move.”
As I sympathized with Gus, I thought back to the recent interview Trump participated in on “Meet the Press,” his first since winning another presidency.
Without mentioning the dangers of buying bread, Trump said crime was increasing dramatically everywhere in the country.
But all official statistics show crime down — way down — about half of what it was in the 1990s. We asked the Justice Department officials if they had any figures on how many people were shot, mugged, or raped while buying bread.
“Sorry,” they replied, “we have none. We are still investigating the terrorist attack a Trump aide (Kellyanne Conway) said happened in Bowling Green, Kentucky, but so far, we have found nothing. Both of these cases are now in our never-happened cold case files.”
On “Meet the Press,” the president-elect also said he plans to revoke unrestricted birthright citizenship, claiming the U.S. is the only country that offers it.
Actually, 34 countries extend unrestricted birthright citizenship, and (we checked) buying bread is reported safe in these countries. I will advise Gus.
Then, Trump told “Meet the Press” moderator, Kristen Welker, that Venezuela was releasing all its prisoners from prisons and mental institutions and sending them to the U.S. Presumably, they were heading to U.S. bakeries, yelling, “pan, pan, pan.”
Trump also has charged that the Biden administration, in the last three years, has released more than 13,099 “illegal convicted murderers” who are “roaming” the streets in the U.S. They are “walking next to you and your family.” (They are easy to identify; they are all carrying loaves of bread.)
He badly mangled (read: lied about) that statistic; the number goes back 40 years — and includes many complex factors. The only constant: buying bread was not involved.
While discussing the January 6 insurrection, Trump alleged that police encouraged rioters to enter the Capitol, apparently on the promise of free loaves of bread.
Trump boasted that under his watch, we enjoyed the greatest economy in the history of the U.S. (Sales of bread broke all records.)
He also claimed he saved Obamacare when, indeed, he tried to kill it many times. We learned exclusively he opposed Obamacare because it did not cover injuries and deaths suffered in crimes outside bakeries.
To summarize: While eating bread in the White House during his four-year term (2017-21), Trump told some 30,573 lies, averaging about 21 per day, according to fact-checking media sites. The danger of buying bread was not among them. That one came after he left office.
On “Meet the Press,” he also lied about tariffs, trade, the 2020 election, vaccines, and several other subjects. But no one seems to be keeping track of the number of falsehoods he offers daily as president-elect.
Maybe that total can be added to the ones he will tell after his inauguration and will be noted with an asterisk.
As I left the bakery, I wished Gus well.
“I hope things work out for you and your family, Gus. I want to say let them eat cake but you sell that too.”
“What’s up, Gus?” I asked the owner. “Where are the customers?”
“Ever since Trump recently said in Howell you can get mugged, shot, or raped just buying a loaf of bread, my business has gone to hell,” Gus said. “The last time I had a customer was when a guy dressed up as a gas company repairman and pretended that he came to fix a leak. When he left, he hid a loaf in his tool box.”
“So, what are you gonna do?” I asked.
“Really don’t know…I’m looking at providing insurance for customers but that would mean I’d have to charge ten thousand bucks for a dozen of bagels,” he lamented. “I could also provide security escorts. I hope the 77 million who voted for him are happy without their bread.
“I’m also looking into opening up a shoe store, or selling shirts and ties,” he added. “Trump didn’t say you could get killed buying those items.”
Gus handed me a loaf of bread. It was a little stale and hard.
“That’s on me,” he said. “You took the risk to come and I appreciate it.”
“You know,” he said. “Trump has a lot of nerve. He can send out his Secret Service security detail to buy bread, with guns drawn. I was going to sue him for defamation but my lawyers said he is probably protected by the recent Supreme Court ruling on presidential immunity.
“Anyway, they all would have had to recuse themselves given that before Trump’s charges, they all, of course, ate bread. So, they couldn’t hear the case.”
Gus told me that Trump claimed “I’ve seen it,” when alleging that people were murdered and raped trying to buy bread.
“The bakery near Mar-a-Lago must be in a terrible neighborhood,” Gus said. “Maybe Trump should move.”
As I sympathized with Gus, I thought back to the recent interview Trump participated in on “Meet the Press,” his first since winning another presidency.
Without mentioning the dangers of buying bread, Trump said crime was increasing dramatically everywhere in the country.
But all official statistics show crime down — way down — about half of what it was in the 1990s. We asked the Justice Department officials if they had any figures on how many people were shot, mugged, or raped while buying bread.
“Sorry,” they replied, “we have none. We are still investigating the terrorist attack a Trump aide (Kellyanne Conway) said happened in Bowling Green, Kentucky, but so far, we have found nothing. Both of these cases are now in our never-happened cold case files.”
On “Meet the Press,” the president-elect also said he plans to revoke unrestricted birthright citizenship, claiming the U.S. is the only country that offers it.
Actually, 34 countries extend unrestricted birthright citizenship, and (we checked) buying bread is reported safe in these countries. I will advise Gus.
Then, Trump told “Meet the Press” moderator, Kristen Welker, that Venezuela was releasing all its prisoners from prisons and mental institutions and sending them to the U.S. Presumably, they were heading to U.S. bakeries, yelling, “pan, pan, pan.”
Trump also has charged that the Biden administration, in the last three years, has released more than 13,099 “illegal convicted murderers” who are “roaming” the streets in the U.S. They are “walking next to you and your family.” (They are easy to identify; they are all carrying loaves of bread.)
He badly mangled (read: lied about) that statistic; the number goes back 40 years — and includes many complex factors. The only constant: buying bread was not involved.
While discussing the January 6 insurrection, Trump alleged that police encouraged rioters to enter the Capitol, apparently on the promise of free loaves of bread.
Trump boasted that under his watch, we enjoyed the greatest economy in the history of the U.S. (Sales of bread broke all records.)
He also claimed he saved Obamacare when, indeed, he tried to kill it many times. We learned exclusively he opposed Obamacare because it did not cover injuries and deaths suffered in crimes outside bakeries.
To summarize: While eating bread in the White House during his four-year term (2017-21), Trump told some 30,573 lies, averaging about 21 per day, according to fact-checking media sites. The danger of buying bread was not among them. That one came after he left office.
On “Meet the Press,” he also lied about tariffs, trade, the 2020 election, vaccines, and several other subjects. But no one seems to be keeping track of the number of falsehoods he offers daily as president-elect.
Maybe that total can be added to the ones he will tell after his inauguration and will be noted with an asterisk.
As I left the bakery, I wished Gus well.
“I hope things work out for you and your family, Gus. I want to say let them eat cake but you sell that too.”
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