Tara Grant's sister speaks out about her murder

By Kristen Jordan Shamus Detroit Free Press DETROIT (AP) - It has been more than seven years since Alicia Standerfer talked to her sister, Tara Grant. Seven years since she has seen her face, or held her in an embrace. Tara is gone now. But Standerfer sees glimpses of her in the children she left behind - Lindsey, 13, and Ian, 11. Coupled with loving memories, Lindsey and Ian are all that's left of Tara, whose name was made famous on Valentine's Day 2007 when her husband, Stephen Grant, reported her missing. He had choked her to death days earlier, dismembered her body and hidden her remains in the family's Washington Township garage and at nearby Stony Creek Metropark. After Stephen Grant was convicted in his wife's grisly murder, Standerfer and her husband, Erik, adopted Tara's children, and took them to their small, southern Ohio home in Chillicothe, to raise with their own kids, Alex and Payton. Ian has his mother's deep brown eyes. Lindsey inherited Tara's super-curly dark hair. "Lindsey is a little Tara, her personality," said Standerfer last week in an exclusive interview with the Detroit Free Press, the first in-depth interview she has done in years. "I never expected that to come out so vividly. Even though she is her own person, I definitely see Tara in her all the time, no doubt. Ian is a really loving kid, and that was Tara." Since Tara's death, the family has shied away from the spotlight, from controversy, Standerfer said, only speaking publicly when it came to domestic violence prevention. She hopes her voice will make a difference now, even though it didn't then. "Would it have changed the outcome? I don't know," Standerfer said about choosing not to speak up years ago when she saw signs of Stephen Grant's emotional abuse of her sister. "But for people going through it right now, and for their families as well, you need to take that chance to say something before it is too late." For the last seven years, the family has worked with Turning Point, a domestic violence shelter and outreach organization in Macomb County, raising money and awareness with a 5K walk in Tara's memory. "In the Detroit area, and really nationwide, Tara's story was so big, we wanted to use her name in a positive way to get the word out about domestic violence." This year's event is set for Sept. 13 in Mt. Clemens. Each year, it raises about $15,000 for the shelter, which helps about 3,500 people a year. Lindsey and Ian both will run in this year's event, Standerfer said. And she will be there to walk with Erik, Alex and Payton, too. "We will always be there to support it, no matter if we're walking or running it," Standerfer said. -------- In Ohio, the family has largely been sheltered from the news media glare. They had healing to do. The children needed to work through the nightmare - they witnessed the killing - and adjust to living in a new home, in a new state with new friends. "We keep her in our memory always," Standerfer said of Tara. "We celebrate her birthday every year. We do things to keep her memory alive with the kids." All of the children just started back at school. Payton, Alex and Ian attend private Christian school, where Standerfer is president of the parent-teacher fellowship. Lindsey enrolled for the first time this year at a public school and runs cross-country. Ian plays soccer. It hasn't been easy, but Ian and Lindsey are thriving in their blended family. "They are doing remarkably well," Standerfer said. "I think they will both always have residual things that come up at different times in their lives. I've seen it. I've seen things that spark PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) or anxiety flare-ups. There's no predicting when those things will happen. But outsiders comment all the time about how well-adjusted these kids are. "There are blended families all over this world, and it just goes to show that no matter the circumstances, positive things can come out of it. They fight like biological siblings, and they love like biological siblings," she said. The Standerfers declined to address whether the children have had contact with their father, saying it would bring no good to their situation and only serve to feed people's curiosity. "We try not to say negative things about Steve," Standerfer said. "We try not to really talk about him, but if things come up, I'm honest. I can't hide things." Standerfer said she knows Ian and Lindsey think about their father, who is serving a sentence of 50 to 80 years at the Bellamy Creek Correctional Facility in Ionia. "Right here in Chillicothe, where we live, there are some big prisons. We go by them all the time. The kids don't ask, 'Does Stephen get time in the yard like these prisoners do?' But I know it goes through their head. And it's an opportunity to say that these people all made decisions in their lives that led them where they are. "God created us all. Steve has made decisions in his life, and those decisions have consequences." But she makes it clear to the children that they are not defined by their father's actions. "We've tried to teach them that just because this has happened in their family to a loved one, this doesn't define who they are and who they will become," Standerfer said. "We try to celebrate the positive things about Tara and about them, that I see coming out in them that is Tara instead of dwelling on the negative." -------- Standerfer has yet to forgive her brother-in-law for killing her sister. "I know God wants me to forgive him. I know that's what I need to do," Standerfer said. "But in my own way, I try to just forget he exists, and therefore I don't have to deal with it. I know it's a cop-out, but I hope that at some point in my life, I can get there. I haven't said those words out loud." She thinks about what life must be like for Grant, and has empathy, but not forgiveness, she said. "I can't imagine living the rest of my life in an 8-by-8-foot cell," Standerfer said. "Do I have compassion for someone who has to live that way? Absolutely. But we all make decisions in our life, and there are consequences for those decisions. In his case, he made a choice. Nobody forced him to make that choice; he made that choice." She said she wishes she'd have made some different choices herself all those years ago. She wishes she had spoken up about her gut feelings about Grant, about the way he treated her sister. "His personality was very controlling, always had to get the last word, always had to be right - to the point where he would put other people down just to make a point," Standerfer said. "Like a lot of women, Tara didn't know anything about her finances, and it was a controlling weapon. It was in his controlling ways that he was able to distance Tara from the family - he would try to cause a rift between Tara and I. "It's a mind game is what it is, and I did see those things. In hindsight, what do you do about that? "I wish I would have been more secure in myself to be able to say to Tara, 'Listen, I see these things, and it's not healthy.' But I hadn't been educated about that. I didn't know. Something just kind of rubbed me the wrong way from the start, but to pinpoint it, that was hard to do. "You look back, and say 'I wish I would have. I wish I could have.' But I have to come to terms with the decisions I made." -------- Standerfer hopes that by keeping Tara's memory alive through the annual walk/run for Turning Point, the family will make a difference and help someone else see the abuse in their own lives, or in the lives of those they love. "There were times when I could have said something, but I knew there was a fine line between saying something and putting a rift between Tara and I. ... At the time, preserving my relationship with Tara was more important than speaking my mind." Grant's controlling behavior, his incessant need to always be right, his domineering and manipulative ways were warning signs of emotional abuse, Standerfer said. Those signs can be difficult to pinpoint and can spiral into physical abuse, said Lynne Wilhelm, development director for Turning Point. "Emotional abuse can be devastating," Wilhelm said. "You know domestic violence is about power and control. It's been hard for the family; we're just happy that they're here and trying to help. It's been a great partnership." Standerfer said if she can help someone else's sister, mother or friend get out of an abusive relationship, it's worth it. She wants others to know that they ought to say something when they see abusive situations. They ought to take a stand, even if it makes them feel uncomfortable. "Everyone needs to step outside their comfort zone," Standerfer said. "People will say, 'I don't want to get involved. It's not happening in my life.' But we all need to step up. It could be your neighbor, your friend, your sister. "These things can and really do happen. We've had people come up to us and say, 'Because of you, I got out (of a bad relationship). I got out because of what happened to your sister. That was me, and it could have happened to me, and I got out.'" It's the quiet moments, when Standerfer is alone and has time to think about Tara, time to miss her, that are the most difficult. Sometimes when she's driving and the car is empty, the tears fall. When milestone events pop up for Tara's kids, like Lindsey's first dance, she chokes up. "There are times when I get teary because Tara is not here," Standerfer said. "She was my only sibling. My parents are both 65 and my dad has health issues. There are times when I think, at some point, I am it. "I am going to be it." Published: Tue, Sep 09, 2014