By Fred Cavaiani
Last week we had another terrorist attack. This time it was in San Bernardino, California. It frightens us. We feel vulnerable and helpless. Innocent people are murdered because of a perverse interpretation of religion. When religion is used to justify murder, craziness and brainwashing becomes pervasive in the mind of the perpetrators. Any positive understanding of a religion becomes wiped out of the mind of a person who can justify and rationalize murdering people who do not share the same beliefs. The effect of these murderous actions can leave the rest of us in fear and we can discover a deep-seated seething anger inside of us toward the people who commit these horrific crimes. Our first reaction is to feel frightened. Then we feel angry. That is followed by a desire for punishing and a desire for revenge. Finally we realize that we have a deep-seated distrust of anyone who belongs to the same religion as these people professing hatred toward us because we are different in our beliefs than they are. There are many good Muslims who experience their religion as a peaceful and safe haven. But when terrorists quote Islam as a way of justifying murder we can become realistically frightened. So what do we do? We are frightened and we are angry.
Some people will want to carry loaded weapons and have everyone carry a loaded weapon to protect themselves. It is called a "right to bear arms." Of course what this simply does is what has happened for years "I will get a bigger and better weapon than yours." There are many murders and accidental killings because of weapons and it continues to get worse every day. Russia and the United States and China in an impulsive moment could destroy this whole planet with a few pushes of a button. Anger and fear has brought us to this point. What has also brought us to this point is the fear of believing that Love can overcome everything. We preach this and try to model this in our families. But we become afraid to actualize this globally.
I have lived on this planet for many years. I have never been able to win over an enemy or someone with whom I had a disagreement by angry and condemning words. Every time I have ever done this in my life it has resulted in making a bigger enemy. However, when I have engaged in loving and honest dialogue, treated someone else with whom I disagreed with kind and loving actions, I have created an atmosphere where we can actually talk with each other. At these times I have disarmed myself and disarmed the other person because I am no longer the enemy who wants revenge.
Fear and Anger are overcome by kind and loving actions. Fear and anger are overcome by silent reflection and awareness of what and who God is. Fear and anger are overcome by sitting alongside my children or grandchildren and discovering what their pain is or what their joy is.
Once I begin to realize that life will never be perfect, I can start to glimpse what really is important in my life. Anger is useless. Fear inhibits me. Underneath both of these intense feelings are insecurity and an unawareness of the purpose of life. A raging child is not helped by a raging parent. A raging child is only helped by a loving and kind parent. Two people fighting and killing each over who is right gets us absolutely nowhere. A kind word about the other person can be very disarming.
Some friends of mine are going to New York the week before Christmas. The fear of ISIS is not stopping them. When I was in Italy a couple of weeks ago right after the Paris attacks, I watched Pope Francis drive around the Vatican Plaza in a small car unprotected. He was lovingly greeting everyone as he stood up with no protection around him. There was no fear, but only love and kindness.
In the past years I have discovered that I can disarm other people by patience, love and kindness. It wasn't always that way in my life. I remember in high school slugging another football player whom I thought was being too rough. It only got him angrier. Though it made me feel better for the moment it didn't help him or me. Thank God I didn't have a gun with me at that impulsive moment. And I was in the seminary then, thinking I was the cream of the crop, the best of the best.
Today we live in a very impulsive society. Delaying gratification, embracing physical and emotional discomfort is not looked upon as a virtue. Self- control sometimes seems to be a thing of the past. How many times have you been talking with someone and they feel the need to look at their phone to read something? We all do this. It is called instant gratification. Our exposure to seeing violence is on overload. We see so much violence on television. Our children experience violent games from a very young age on their IPhones and IPods.
As marvelous as our news networks have become, they overly inundate us with every minute detail about every tragedy in life. The most insensitive question is asked over and over again of people who have experienced a tragedy. The news about this tragedy goes on for days. All of this fuels our fears and our anger. Is this really helpful?
Tell your children to become fearful and angry. Keep doing this on a daily basis. Be worried. Be fearful. Something bad can happen. Tell your children to carry a gun and shoot anyone who might harm them and always be worried that this could happen. I don't think children raised like this will go around looking for the good in other people or hugging other people. A nation that becomes like this becomes a paranoid and fearful nation. This is just what a terrorist wants us to feel. They want us to become just like them, fearful, insecure and paranoid. If we teach our children to be fearful and mistrusting then they will become very vulnerable to finding some authoritative figure to harmfully direct their lives.
Soon we will want our respective religions to find a justifying reason for retaliatory attacks, surrounding those we fear with fences, isolation and suspicion. And then what? We start thinking and feeling in the same manner as those who attack us.
Fear and anger need to be overcome by patience, love and understanding. I need to become vulnerable so I can begin to understand you. I will die becoming vulnerable and I will resist you if you attempt to harm me. But I will not be out to harm you. I want to disarm you by my love. I may die loving you but eventually love will overcome because you will discover that I am not your enemy. Then your own anger and hatred will fall back upon you.
We need a movement in our world to overcome fear and anger with kind actions and reflective thoughts and meditation. I was impressed to read about 30,000 people in Mexico practicing meditation to help world peace. Gentle quietness with a Loving God and caring and compassionate actions towards all are the best weapons for a peaceful world. They are right at our fingertips each moment of every day. Then what other people think about me is none of my business. My only concern will be how kind and caring I will be about other people. It is a consistent message that has toppled empires throughout the ages. Disarm the world by your love and your immersion in Someone greater than you. Peace and Love begin with you.
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Fred Cavaiani is a licensed marriage & family therapist and psychotherapist with a private practice in Troy. He is the founder of Marriage Growth Center, a consultant for the Detroit Medical Center, and Henry Ford Medical Center as well as the Capuchin Retreat Center in Washington, MI. Fred conducts numerous programs for groups throughout Southeastern Michigan. His column in the Legal News runs every other Tuesday. He can be reached at 248-362-3340. His e-mail address is: Fredcavi@yahoo.com and his website is fredthecounselor.com.
Published: Tue, Dec 08, 2015
