When we become critical and judgmental toward others, we do this because we projecting our inner attitudes about ourselves that we do not want to face onto other people. Everyone will do this. It is not healthy. It causes us to have resentments toward others which imprison us. Have you ever been frustrated with someone else and then realized that what they are saying or doing reminds you of something about yourself which you have no wanted to admit.
I have known this for a long time but the other day I realized that it was something that I had not wanted to admit about myself. I found myself attending a funeral. As the young priest came out to say the funeral mass I begin to feel anger toward him though I had never met him before or ever heard him speak. It was my own feelings about myself that I had never quite wanted to face which I had projected upon this young dedicated priest. Many years ago, I had been a priest. I always though I had been a good priest but I decided to leave the priesthood, got a dispensation and got married a few years to my wonderful wife who died last year from cancer after we had been married for 50 years. But last week I became deeply aware of how I had projected my inner self onto this inner priest. It was because I had never admitted that I had wanted everyone to think I was special and holy in those days and those feelings were still with me which I didn’t want to admit totally. It had nothing to do with this young priest. I had everything to do with me. Intellectually I had some awareness of this but on this day, I became so emotionally aware of this. It painfully and humbly brought me into a deeper awareness of myself.
Everyone does this at times. When we are afraid to admit something about ourselves, we will push this feeling onto other people with a judgmental attitude which we have no day, evidence or even information to have this judgmental attitude.
When I could painfully admit this to myself, I experienced painfully a freedom within myself which I had never realized could happen. As life goes on, these awarenesses will surface and when honestly admitted and accepted, a deeper spiritual and emotional freedom will surface and a whole new and positive attitude will surface. We have no right to judge and condemn other people but we all do this. When we do this, we really lose inner freedom and peace. People who embrace judgments and criticisms of other people with lose inner freedom and inner peace.
The more someone else upsets me by simply being in their presence, the more there is something about myself that I am feeling about myself which I really don’t want to admit or accept about myself. As I realize this, I experience a humility and sorrow that I so often would not want to admit about myself. Last week, this profound realization and emotional acceptance by me about myself has been so profoundly helpful. I realize more and more that when I become condemning or judgmental in my inner attitude about others, I am stopping myself from having inner emotional and spiritual joy and freedom.
I have no right to be condemning and judgmental toward others. Whatever stops me from being kind and loving toward others is caused by me not other people. Projecting my inner critical self onto other people is never a good choice. But looking for goodness in others is always a good choice.
I am so grateful for this profound experience which happened to me last Thursday. I have discovered a part of me that needed to be admitted and accepted so that my life can bring me into an emotional and spiritual freedom and joy which I could easily have kept blocked from myself. The admission of my own projections and the awareness of this has been a profound journey into experiencing God. It has been a gift and a deeper awareness of how to live humbly and honestly.
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Fred Cavaiani is a licensed marriage & family therapist and limited licensed psychologist with a private practice in Troy. He is the founder of Marriage Growth Center. He conducts numerous programs for groups throughout Michigan. Cavaiani is associate editor and contributing writer for Human Development Magazine. His column in the Legal News runs every other Tuesday. He can be reached at 248-362-3340. His e-mail address is: Fredcavi@yahoo.com and his website is FredsCounselorsCorner.com.
I have known this for a long time but the other day I realized that it was something that I had not wanted to admit about myself. I found myself attending a funeral. As the young priest came out to say the funeral mass I begin to feel anger toward him though I had never met him before or ever heard him speak. It was my own feelings about myself that I had never quite wanted to face which I had projected upon this young dedicated priest. Many years ago, I had been a priest. I always though I had been a good priest but I decided to leave the priesthood, got a dispensation and got married a few years to my wonderful wife who died last year from cancer after we had been married for 50 years. But last week I became deeply aware of how I had projected my inner self onto this inner priest. It was because I had never admitted that I had wanted everyone to think I was special and holy in those days and those feelings were still with me which I didn’t want to admit totally. It had nothing to do with this young priest. I had everything to do with me. Intellectually I had some awareness of this but on this day, I became so emotionally aware of this. It painfully and humbly brought me into a deeper awareness of myself.
Everyone does this at times. When we are afraid to admit something about ourselves, we will push this feeling onto other people with a judgmental attitude which we have no day, evidence or even information to have this judgmental attitude.
When I could painfully admit this to myself, I experienced painfully a freedom within myself which I had never realized could happen. As life goes on, these awarenesses will surface and when honestly admitted and accepted, a deeper spiritual and emotional freedom will surface and a whole new and positive attitude will surface. We have no right to judge and condemn other people but we all do this. When we do this, we really lose inner freedom and peace. People who embrace judgments and criticisms of other people with lose inner freedom and inner peace.
The more someone else upsets me by simply being in their presence, the more there is something about myself that I am feeling about myself which I really don’t want to admit or accept about myself. As I realize this, I experience a humility and sorrow that I so often would not want to admit about myself. Last week, this profound realization and emotional acceptance by me about myself has been so profoundly helpful. I realize more and more that when I become condemning or judgmental in my inner attitude about others, I am stopping myself from having inner emotional and spiritual joy and freedom.
I have no right to be condemning and judgmental toward others. Whatever stops me from being kind and loving toward others is caused by me not other people. Projecting my inner critical self onto other people is never a good choice. But looking for goodness in others is always a good choice.
I am so grateful for this profound experience which happened to me last Thursday. I have discovered a part of me that needed to be admitted and accepted so that my life can bring me into an emotional and spiritual freedom and joy which I could easily have kept blocked from myself. The admission of my own projections and the awareness of this has been a profound journey into experiencing God. It has been a gift and a deeper awareness of how to live humbly and honestly.
————————
Fred Cavaiani is a licensed marriage & family therapist and limited licensed psychologist with a private practice in Troy. He is the founder of Marriage Growth Center. He conducts numerous programs for groups throughout Michigan. Cavaiani is associate editor and contributing writer for Human Development Magazine. His column in the Legal News runs every other Tuesday. He can be reached at 248-362-3340. His e-mail address is: Fredcavi@yahoo.com and his website is FredsCounselorsCorner.com.
