Tracy K. Lorenz ...


Year Endness

2019 was a year of news cycles and weekly tragedies full of earth shaking events that lasted seven days until another earth shaking event came along; Russian interference, confederate flags, Jussie Smollet, climate change, and the like were life-and-death issues until the next life-and death issue came along.

Black Lives Matter protesters don’t like cold.

Some Chicago neighborhoods are much better shots than Storm Troopers.
Having a kid is tough because it gives you a point of reference, you have a visual representation of time.  Prior to my son Q coming along, years, and even decades, would pass and not that much would change. A plant might get bigger or your car might get rustier but the day to day drudgery remained relatively consistent.  But then a kid shows up and he gets taller, he change grades, and reaches milestones on an almost daily basis.  These actions go a long way towards crushing any notion you had of eternal life on earth.

The Detroit Lions will always be the Detroit Lions and Lions fans should just accept their life of misery and regret.  In my life there have been many downtrodden teams like the Steelers, the Patriots, or the Bills but they found a way to escape their patheticness for long stints. Not the Lions, the Lions are deemed by God to squeeze the blood from your soul.  Expecting the Lions to succeed has the same payoff as expecting your crack-addicted cousin to pay you back that twenty bucks he borrowed to buy food.

A 1960’s View Master is superior in every way to Virtual Reality goggles. 

 In the end, all drones will crash.  Dramatically.  And with financial consequences.

If you were born on December 31st you can never say your birthday is next year.

 It’s a weird human trait that we can remember that we forgot something, but we can’t remember what we forgot.

Your skin is a onesie.

Christmas is the only time of year when eating snacks out of an unwashed sock hanging on a wall is acceptable.

Skiing is like falling down a hill in cursive.

Girls referring to their friends as “girlfriends” seems perfectly normal, but guys referring to their friends as “boyfriends” doesn’t.

Thanks to pregnancy, the average number of skeletons per human is greater than one.

Today, someone will experience the pain of stepping on a Lego for the first time.

If you had a dollar for every person who didn’t find you attractive, they’d eventually find you attractive.

December 26th is both the closest day to Christmas and the furthest away.

Waffles are pixelated pancakes.

The first word you say every year is “Happy.”
When you’re born everyone is relieved when you start screaming, but when you die everyone gets traumatized when you start screaming.

 How do we know rocks aren’t soft and tense up whenever something touched them?

I wish you all a wonderful and prosperous New Year and don’t worry so much, it’s all going to be fine.


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