COMMENTARY: The night before Christmas (criminal version)

By Rich Krisciunas 'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the court Not a lawyer was stirring, As I held down the fort. As a city attorney All my cases I'd won But I couldn't go home Til my work was all done. Over twenty five files Still lay on my lap, As I leaned back wearily, For a short winter's nap. As I sat dreaming, Asleep all alone, My slumber soon ended By the ring of my phone. "The judge needs a prosecutor In court right away, The trial starts in five minutes So don't you delay." Now it's been several years Since I last tried a case. The clock was a runnin', There was no time to waste. I'm an experienced professor So I knew what to do I got on my cell phone And called people I knew I called all my students I called all of my friends I called all my neighbors And that's where it ends No one was home and, To court, I must go. 'Twas the night before Christmas But, I couldn't say, "No." So I ran down the stairs To find the court and my judge. I'd get an adjournment For some reasons I'd fudge. I entered the courtroom But I wasn't scared. It wouldn't be the first time I'd be unprepared. When all of a sudden, The judge called the case "Are the People ready?" Blood rushed to my face. Before I could answer A voice boomed out loudly, "We want a dismissal" The voice shouted proudly. It was the public defender, Who stood by my side "My client is innocent, His rights were denied." And that's when I saw him, Dressed in white and red, A frazzled white beard and Red cap on his head. I'd seen him before, And it made me pause. For the defendant on trial Looked like old Santa Claus. The judge said, "The reason We're here this occasion Is because the prosecutor Has charged home invasion." "He was caught in a chimney About two blocks from here." "Alibi, he's insane! " The defender screamed in my ear. . "Duress, merely present. The identification is poor. This case should be kicked Of that much I'm sure!" The judge interrupted, "Counselor, let's get this straight. I've no time for games, It's getting real late." "Let's skip the formalities Cuz I'm in a hurry, Give your opening statements. We won't need no jury." A trial? I wasn't as ready As I'd like to be. I'm a law school professor, "Can't we take a plea?" But, I stood for my opening And must proudly admit, I delivered it marvelously, With candor and wit. I called all of my witnesses. After they testified, The defense cross-examined And claimed, "They all lied." When I rested my case The defender was quick. His man took the stand, And claimed he was St. Nick. "I was just doing my job," He denied any wrongdoing. "The detective didn't investigate. He was just misconstruing." "I was delivering presents Not invading a home." He said with a wink, as he Brushed his beard with a comb. When t'was my turn to rise, The judge gave me a look. "I have just a few questions To pose to this crook." "So is it Santa? St. Nicholas? Father Christmas? St. Nick? Kris Kringle? Mr.Claus?" "Sir, please take your pick." "You've too many aliases! Your credibility's shot! You were caught with the goods In a bag, were you not? "When the officers saw you You were alone in the house, Not a creature was stirring Not even a mouse, "But you didn't have permission, You didn't get in with a key. Your manner of admission Was down the chimney!" As my cross exam continued I poked holes in his story. "You ate cookies from the plate And didn't say, 'I'm sorry.' "Now Prancer and Dancer Are not here today. You've got no other witnesses To corroborate what you say." I cleverly caught him In so many lies, I badgered him smartly About his disguise. When my questions concluded His eyes grew so large. Without blinking, the judge Said, "He's guilty as charged." I returned to my office And collected my files Having just participated In the greatest of trials. Then I rose from my chair And turned off the light. Soon it would be Christmas. Time to call it a night. As I walked to my car, Through the sleet and the snow, I glanced up at the courthouse And heard "Ho Ho, Ho, Ho!" There on the roof, To my surprise and dismay, Were eight tiny reindeer And a little red sleigh, With the man I convicted, The defendant, St. Nick. A big bag in his arms And a tiny brown stick. He elfishly smiled and Gave a wave with his hand And soon elevated With his small reindeer band. As he rose to the sky He made this salutation, "You got me this time, But I got probation." Happy holidays! ------------------ Rich Krisciunas is the director of externships at the University of Detroit Mercy School of Law. Published: Fri, Dec 20, 2013