By Fred Cavaiani
Have you ever been to a restaurant and you say thank you to your waiter and waitress and they answer with the statement "No Problem." The phrase 'you are welcome' would be a more appropriate response. Yet the statement "No problem" is very often replacing the "you are welcome" in our interactions with others. I always feel like saying to someone who says "No problem" that I didn't know it was a problem to start with.
So often when a person starts out with a denial of something it implants in the receiver's mind that there is a problem. If someone says to you that they are not angry and you have not brought up anything about anger then you know that is something on their mind. If a person assures you that they are very honest and you never said anything about dishonesty you can be assured that they have some doubts about their own honesty.
Sometimes we distance ourselves from others by using language that it is impersonal. To say "you are welcome" is a personal response and connects with the other person. To say "no problem" starts out with a denial and makes the interaction impersonal and disconnecting. I believe that most people are sincere in saying "no problem" instead of "you are welcome." It is just that when negativity is presented to us in our language as something positive we can impersonalize our relationships with one another and not even realize it.
The next time you interact with another person observe how many times this person might speak with negatives appearing positive. It will tell you a lot about the inner state of the other person on certain topics. Observe yourself and notice when you start out with a denial of something even though you think you are saying something positive. Statements like this can become common for all of us: "I'm not angry." "I am not sad about it." "I don't miss him/her at all." "I am not forgetful." "It is not a difficulty for me." "I am not afraid of that." We put so many negatives into our language so we don't have to look deeper within ourselves. Using negatives can block us from experiencing what is going on deep within us. Try to always speak positively. Sometimes it can be very difficult to speak in positive terms because it challenges us to also to look within ourselves s and admit what we are lacking or what we need. So we start out with a denial about something. It seems safer.
To positively interact with another person is something we all need. Everyone is a gift to us and we are a gift to everyone else. So always speak positively about other people. Interact with positive affirming language. It will keep you more connected to other people and more connected to yourself. So when something thanks you for something you did for them, say "You are welcome." It keeps you better connected to that person and better connected to yourself. Eliminate negative language that appears positive from your vocabulary.
Especially today we need positive language. Our Social media can be so filled with negativity. Our leaders in government seem to make negativity a way of life and seem to feel this is a virtue. When we stay negative toward others we are refusing to look at our own insecurities and our own emotional conflicts. Negativity can seep into our lives and our language in a subtle manner. Negativity never brings peace and it does not foster closeness between people. Maybe we all need a lesson to recognize how negativity can become a part of our life without even realizing it. I think most waiters and waitresses don't recognize that "No problem" should never replace the connecting statement "You are welcome."
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Fred Cavaiani is a licensed marriage & family therapist and psychotherapist with a private practice in Troy. He is the founder of Marriage Growth Center, a consultant for the Detroit Medical Center, and Henry Ford Medical Center. He conducts numerous programs for groups throughout Southeastern Michigan. He is also on staff at Capuchin Retreat Center in Washington, MI. His column in the Legal News runs every other week. He can be reached at 248-362-3340. His e-mail address is: Fredcavi@yahoo.com and his website is fredthecounselor.com
Published: Wed, Sep 27, 2017
