A pre-sentencing hearing like no other in history

By Berl Falbaum


We have obtained, from secret sources, a transcript of Donald Trump’s (DT) pre-sentencing hearing with the parole office (PO).

We published it below with overwhelming journalistic pride.


PO: Before we start, Mr. Trump, I have to tell you I cannot accept your MAGA hat. I will be returning it to you.

DT: Very sorry about that. I even signed the one I sent to you.

PO: I am confident your lawyer briefed you on what to expect at this hearing. We will discuss issues like your employment history, your state of mind, education, and similar subjects.

DT: Yeah, they did so don’t worry, I will be calm and courteous. No name-calling although I think you are….  (hesitates)…very nice.

PO:  We’ll skip your employment record because, obviously, we have lots of information on that.

DT: Come on! I wanted to talk about my White House years. Boy, can I tell stories, stories the media never found out about.

Did you know that Putin and I talked weekly, privately, just chit-chat? Nothing serious. That guy has some chest.  Did you ever see him with his shirt off?  

I also talked to Kim regularly. You know he and I fell in love. Pissed off Melania. She didn’t care about Stormy or the others, but that one got to her. She didn’t like him because he wanted nuclear weapons. Kim was angry too, for making our love public. He said if I really loved him, I would not fight him on the nukes. I told him politics trumps -- no pun intended -- love.

PO: Very good, Mr. Trump. But let’s move on. We’ll also skip the subject of future employment…

DT: Wait a minute. Let’s talk about my future employment. Biden and I are neck-and-neck. I hope I can count on your vote.  A couple of more indictments and I think I’ll have it in the bag. My poll numbers just keep improving. This session should be worth a point or two.
PO: Mr. Trump, as I said, let’s not talk politics.

DT: I understand but you do know 2020 was rigged. Right?

PO: As I said, no politics at this hearing. I must tell you that as a condition of your parole you can’t socialize or engage with other criminals.

DT: Wow, that’s a lot of people, those in prison and those awaiting trials. Damn, that breaks up my circle of friends. You’re pretty tough.

PO: Those are the rules of the justice system, not mine. Will you follow that requirement?

DT: Can we negotiate? Discuss each individual. For every one I give up, you recommend fewer months in prison.

PO: How would you describe your health?

DT:  Tip-top. I am the healthiest president in the history of the U.S. But someone told me that Polk had lower blood pressure than I have.

PO: Do you take any illicit drugs? Have you ever used drugs?

DT: Never! What I have said and done was without drugs.  Didn’t need them. That just came naturally. Yup, all without drugs. What you see is what you get.

PO: Do you have any remorse for what you did?

DT: Remorse? Cohen should be sitting here. You know about Cohen, don’t you?  

PO: Mr. Trump, I am asking you if you have any remorse?

DT: Come on, I am innocent. I am remorseful that we paid Stormy $130,000. She was hardly worth it.

PO: Mr. Trump I really would like to stay away from your personal life.

DT: Okay, I’ll try. But for a couple of months less in prison, I can fix up anyone your office. I’m pretty sure the $130,000 would cover them. I don’t think Stormy would charge me again.

PO: Before I conclude this interview is there anything you want to say?

DT: Do I ever. Please tell the judge that I believe he is a pretty good guy. I admit, I didn’t like the gag orders.  Melania asked my lawyers if his gag orders covered me when I was home at Mar-a-Lago.

All the name calling? That was for my base. If the judge were more like Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas or that Alito guy, I would invite him for dinner at Mar-a-Lago and a free round of golf.  

If you want, I will sign your report. That will be worth something in the years to come. And your family and friends will be impressed.

I will even invite you to the inauguration. You can come in disguise. No one will know.

PO: Thank you, Mr. Trump. I’ll think about it.

DT: One more thing. You know, besides running for president, I sell Bibles. Is there someone you would suggest I could talk to about the state buying my Bibles which are used for swearing in witnesses in courts.  Depending on the quantity, I can offer a big discount. It’s not political. My publishers deleted the photos of Jesus and Moses wearing long red ties and MAGA hats.

PO: I’m sorry, I can’t help you.

DT: I also want to mention if your department needs to expand, I have lots of office space in my towers. Here’s a brochure, 30,000 square feet. Yeah, it looks like 3,000 but that’s a bad camera angle.

P.O: Goodbye, Mr. Trump.

DT: I’ll just leave the MAGA hat here on the table, you know, by accident. I’ll leave a hat for the judge too. He can take if off for the sentencing hearing.

See you ‘round. Put in a good word for me with the judge and I promise I won’t say anything nasty about you at my next rally.

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