Berl Falbaum
Some of my readers e-mailed me inquiring why I have not put my irreverent computer keyboard to work on the recent Met Gala.
I responded that I was angry because I expected to be invited, and huffed and puffed when I was ignored.
In anticipation, I went to my favorite thrift shop, which I have patronized over the years, and asked for the most spectacular and outrageous outfit donated by one of their supporters.
The shop offered me jeans that were torn but I responded that I wore torn jeans long before they were fashionable despite the fact that my wife constantly rebuked me. If only I knew, I could have made millions.
I longed to walk on the Met Gala carpet which, this year, was midnight blue and dotted with white and yellow blooms. It was designed by artist Cy Gavin. I recognized his work immediately. I would have taken off my shoes to walk on it.
But I swallowed my pride and decided to watch a video of the show and inform you, dear readers, of my reaction.
Here are views on my favorites.
The “best dressed” was Diana Ross who wore a white dress with an 18-foot-long train and weighing 60 pounds. I counted seven assistants who held it up as she tried to walk. The names of her five children and eight grandchildren were embroidered on the train. Good thing she didn’t have more.
The New York Times reported that the train “swept the floral carpet like a glamorous duster.”
I told my wife, if we invited her to our apartment and had her walk around, I would not have to vacuum for about a month.
No. 2 in my esteemed opinion was André 3000. Now, I have no idea who he is but then I do not know the Andrés between 1 through 2,999 either.
His outfit included a 36-pound replica of a piano which was tied to his back. CNN Entertainment could not control itself, reporting, “Andre 3000 (they failed to include the accent mark) may have pulled off one of the most fashionable proud reveals of all time.” Why the hesitancy with “may?” He made history.
Just in case, I called the thrift shop but they assured me they did not carry this item. I asked if, maybe, anyone contributed an organ -- preferably a light one. No, they told me, I should have no regrets.
Serena Williams, the tennis star, also had a long train for her dress. Good thing she didn’t have to play Wimbledon that night.
Bad Bunny was really bad. The New York Times told me his “sculpted curls were also a trend. Bad Bunny’s swoop poked out from under his wicker boat hat.” I have no idea what that means, but it must be fashionable. Let’s not overlook that he carried what was described as a bowling bag. Bad, bad, very bad bunny.
The Times also liked the outfit warn by the actress, Zendaya Maree Stoermer Coleman. The paper said the white ensemble Bianca a Louis Vuitton suit recalled the white ensemble Bianca Jagger wore at her wedding to Mick Jagger. Could you believe the coincidence? That’s exactly what I thought.
The Times also liked comedian/actress Whoopi Goldberg’s outfit because it “paired her Thom Browne ensemble with accessories that included a top hat, hoop earrings, and metallic caps on her fingers.”
No feedback from me. I could not have said it any better.
Whoopi explained she covered her fingers because she did not have to get a manicure. I would have loaned her my nail clipper.
CNN was wowed by actress and rapper Janelle Monráe who wore a “suit within a suit.” She had an “outerwear jacket, printed with a blazer and necktie that she removed to reveal an actual suit and completed the look with a bowler hat and a clock monocle with spinning hands.”
If you have trouble visualizing that, you are not alone. Several tailors resigned. Clark Kent managed to change to Superman in a phone booth. The spinning hands of her monocle reminded me of the windshield wiper on the rear window of my car. Actually, I could use that device on my glasses.
Singer Pharrell Williams wore a blazer that had 15,000 individually stitched pearls and required 400 hours to complete. A different report said that the blazer had 100,000 pearls and took almost 1,000 hours to finish.
I am glad my editors did not assign me to cover the event because to be totally accurate I would have had to count the pearls and I would have missed my deadline.
There were several famous people dressed in all white. But that would not be for me. I always told my thrift shop not to hold anything for me that was white. The cinders from my cigars would destroy the outfit.
Actress Halle Berry caused some controversy by showing more below the waist than what some felt was appropriate. I wrote it off as a budgetary decision: She did not have the funds to pay for more material.
A confession: Writing about the show doesn’t do it. You really have to see the dresses and suits. I know, I know, you will ask yourself: Did these people ever look in a mirror before they left their homes?
Did Dianna Ross ever ask herself maybe she should go with a 14-foot train or André ask himself if a 24-pound piano would have been okay? Or he might have tied a flute on his back.
I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I do know this: Before next year’s gala, I am looking for a new thrift shop.
—————
Berl Falbaum is a journalist and political writer, and the author of several books.
I responded that I was angry because I expected to be invited, and huffed and puffed when I was ignored.
In anticipation, I went to my favorite thrift shop, which I have patronized over the years, and asked for the most spectacular and outrageous outfit donated by one of their supporters.
The shop offered me jeans that were torn but I responded that I wore torn jeans long before they were fashionable despite the fact that my wife constantly rebuked me. If only I knew, I could have made millions.
I longed to walk on the Met Gala carpet which, this year, was midnight blue and dotted with white and yellow blooms. It was designed by artist Cy Gavin. I recognized his work immediately. I would have taken off my shoes to walk on it.
But I swallowed my pride and decided to watch a video of the show and inform you, dear readers, of my reaction.
Here are views on my favorites.
The “best dressed” was Diana Ross who wore a white dress with an 18-foot-long train and weighing 60 pounds. I counted seven assistants who held it up as she tried to walk. The names of her five children and eight grandchildren were embroidered on the train. Good thing she didn’t have more.
The New York Times reported that the train “swept the floral carpet like a glamorous duster.”
I told my wife, if we invited her to our apartment and had her walk around, I would not have to vacuum for about a month.
No. 2 in my esteemed opinion was André 3000. Now, I have no idea who he is but then I do not know the Andrés between 1 through 2,999 either.
His outfit included a 36-pound replica of a piano which was tied to his back. CNN Entertainment could not control itself, reporting, “Andre 3000 (they failed to include the accent mark) may have pulled off one of the most fashionable proud reveals of all time.” Why the hesitancy with “may?” He made history.
Just in case, I called the thrift shop but they assured me they did not carry this item. I asked if, maybe, anyone contributed an organ -- preferably a light one. No, they told me, I should have no regrets.
Serena Williams, the tennis star, also had a long train for her dress. Good thing she didn’t have to play Wimbledon that night.
Bad Bunny was really bad. The New York Times told me his “sculpted curls were also a trend. Bad Bunny’s swoop poked out from under his wicker boat hat.” I have no idea what that means, but it must be fashionable. Let’s not overlook that he carried what was described as a bowling bag. Bad, bad, very bad bunny.
The Times also liked the outfit warn by the actress, Zendaya Maree Stoermer Coleman. The paper said the white ensemble Bianca a Louis Vuitton suit recalled the white ensemble Bianca Jagger wore at her wedding to Mick Jagger. Could you believe the coincidence? That’s exactly what I thought.
The Times also liked comedian/actress Whoopi Goldberg’s outfit because it “paired her Thom Browne ensemble with accessories that included a top hat, hoop earrings, and metallic caps on her fingers.”
No feedback from me. I could not have said it any better.
Whoopi explained she covered her fingers because she did not have to get a manicure. I would have loaned her my nail clipper.
CNN was wowed by actress and rapper Janelle Monráe who wore a “suit within a suit.” She had an “outerwear jacket, printed with a blazer and necktie that she removed to reveal an actual suit and completed the look with a bowler hat and a clock monocle with spinning hands.”
If you have trouble visualizing that, you are not alone. Several tailors resigned. Clark Kent managed to change to Superman in a phone booth. The spinning hands of her monocle reminded me of the windshield wiper on the rear window of my car. Actually, I could use that device on my glasses.
Singer Pharrell Williams wore a blazer that had 15,000 individually stitched pearls and required 400 hours to complete. A different report said that the blazer had 100,000 pearls and took almost 1,000 hours to finish.
I am glad my editors did not assign me to cover the event because to be totally accurate I would have had to count the pearls and I would have missed my deadline.
There were several famous people dressed in all white. But that would not be for me. I always told my thrift shop not to hold anything for me that was white. The cinders from my cigars would destroy the outfit.
Actress Halle Berry caused some controversy by showing more below the waist than what some felt was appropriate. I wrote it off as a budgetary decision: She did not have the funds to pay for more material.
A confession: Writing about the show doesn’t do it. You really have to see the dresses and suits. I know, I know, you will ask yourself: Did these people ever look in a mirror before they left their homes?
Did Dianna Ross ever ask herself maybe she should go with a 14-foot train or André ask himself if a 24-pound piano would have been okay? Or he might have tied a flute on his back.
I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I do know this: Before next year’s gala, I am looking for a new thrift shop.
—————
Berl Falbaum is a journalist and political writer, and the author of several books.
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