By Brandi Hafler
When I was 41 years old, I felt that God was calling me to pursue full-time ministry.
This was the third time that I had sensed this and the first two times, doors closed when I pursued it. I thought that I was imagining things. I tried to ignore it for a while, believing that it would fade.
After about 10 days, the prompting was still strong and convicting, so I started sharing it with people close to me. Unlike before, each person affirmed the calling. I then applied to college and was accepted. I requested confirmation from my church to pursue ordination and it was granted. Every door that was previously closed, opened wide.
At the same time, I found myself in the center of spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional battles unlike any I had ever experienced. In 2 Corinthians 12:7, Paul wrote of a thorn in his flesh that kept him humble. I was given a thorn in my heart that shook me to the core. It confused me. It made me question God, myself, my calling, and where it was leading me.
I sunk into a deep depression. I began losing weight. I couldn’t sleep. The year that I began pursuing God’s calling on my life also placed me in the midst of a storm.
Two years later, some of the storm still raged. Though part of the spiritual battle was over, the thorn remained. That year, my father died unexpectedly. Changes in my workplace created a tense work environment. I felt the need to step away from youth ministry with girls that I loved like my own. These things packed more pain around my thorn. I was at the edge of my strength. This became a year of darkness.
During those years, I spent many nights, many lunch breaks, many long walks arguing with God. I begged Him to remove the thorn. I asked Him, “How much longer, Lord?” I told Him, “I can’t do this. You will have to do it through me.” Through the storm and in the darkness, God periodically reminded me that He was there, that He saw me, and that He was moving.
I would often spend my breaks at work praying on a bench outside of the building. One day while I was there, I noticed a young woman jog by on the road. Several people jogged by every day, so I paid little attention. I closed my eyes, a minute later, a female voice said, “Hi!”
I looked up and the jogger was standing on the sidewalk near me. After exchanging pleasantries, we realized that we knew each other. She had attended school with my oldest son years before.
She said, “As I was jogging by, I felt like God wanted me to stop and tell you to persist. Persevere. Keep moving forward. Does that mean anything to you?” I felt like a light had just pierced the darkness that threatened to swallow me. It was a spark of hope, a word to stay the course.
Weeks later, I was taking a walk in my neighborhood, arguing with God (again). I noticed a decorative sign in a yard just two blocks from my house. It read, “Hold on child, I’ve got you. Love, God.”
I stopped and looked at it for a several seconds, then kept walking. Then I turned around, walked back, trespassed in a stranger’s front yard, and took a picture with my phone.
A few days after I saw the sign, God began turning everything around. He started by healing my marriage. Then he gave me a new job. He eventually led me to a ministry that is different from what I had, but better than I could have ever imagined. In the process, He removed the thorn and healed my heart.
Proverbs 20:24 reads, “A person’s steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand their own way?” Through the storm and the darkness, the pain and the uncertainty, God was directing my steps. I didn’t understand where I was going, but God knew and He was guiding every step.
Do you find yourself in a season of darkness today? Are you in a storm that is threatening to sink you? Let this be your message from God to persist. Persevere. Keep moving forward. Take moments to cry out to Him, ask Him the hard I questions, ask Him to be your strength, but then take one more step. And hold on to His message that never changes.
“Hold on child, I’ve got you. Love, God.”
—————
Brandi Hafler is a Wesleyan pastor in West Michigan who works to connect people through serving, care and hospitality.
When I was 41 years old, I felt that God was calling me to pursue full-time ministry.
This was the third time that I had sensed this and the first two times, doors closed when I pursued it. I thought that I was imagining things. I tried to ignore it for a while, believing that it would fade.
After about 10 days, the prompting was still strong and convicting, so I started sharing it with people close to me. Unlike before, each person affirmed the calling. I then applied to college and was accepted. I requested confirmation from my church to pursue ordination and it was granted. Every door that was previously closed, opened wide.
At the same time, I found myself in the center of spiritual, mental, physical, and emotional battles unlike any I had ever experienced. In 2 Corinthians 12:7, Paul wrote of a thorn in his flesh that kept him humble. I was given a thorn in my heart that shook me to the core. It confused me. It made me question God, myself, my calling, and where it was leading me.
I sunk into a deep depression. I began losing weight. I couldn’t sleep. The year that I began pursuing God’s calling on my life also placed me in the midst of a storm.
Two years later, some of the storm still raged. Though part of the spiritual battle was over, the thorn remained. That year, my father died unexpectedly. Changes in my workplace created a tense work environment. I felt the need to step away from youth ministry with girls that I loved like my own. These things packed more pain around my thorn. I was at the edge of my strength. This became a year of darkness.
During those years, I spent many nights, many lunch breaks, many long walks arguing with God. I begged Him to remove the thorn. I asked Him, “How much longer, Lord?” I told Him, “I can’t do this. You will have to do it through me.” Through the storm and in the darkness, God periodically reminded me that He was there, that He saw me, and that He was moving.
I would often spend my breaks at work praying on a bench outside of the building. One day while I was there, I noticed a young woman jog by on the road. Several people jogged by every day, so I paid little attention. I closed my eyes, a minute later, a female voice said, “Hi!”
I looked up and the jogger was standing on the sidewalk near me. After exchanging pleasantries, we realized that we knew each other. She had attended school with my oldest son years before.
She said, “As I was jogging by, I felt like God wanted me to stop and tell you to persist. Persevere. Keep moving forward. Does that mean anything to you?” I felt like a light had just pierced the darkness that threatened to swallow me. It was a spark of hope, a word to stay the course.
Weeks later, I was taking a walk in my neighborhood, arguing with God (again). I noticed a decorative sign in a yard just two blocks from my house. It read, “Hold on child, I’ve got you. Love, God.”
I stopped and looked at it for a several seconds, then kept walking. Then I turned around, walked back, trespassed in a stranger’s front yard, and took a picture with my phone.
A few days after I saw the sign, God began turning everything around. He started by healing my marriage. Then he gave me a new job. He eventually led me to a ministry that is different from what I had, but better than I could have ever imagined. In the process, He removed the thorn and healed my heart.
Proverbs 20:24 reads, “A person’s steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand their own way?” Through the storm and the darkness, the pain and the uncertainty, God was directing my steps. I didn’t understand where I was going, but God knew and He was guiding every step.
Do you find yourself in a season of darkness today? Are you in a storm that is threatening to sink you? Let this be your message from God to persist. Persevere. Keep moving forward. Take moments to cry out to Him, ask Him the hard I questions, ask Him to be your strength, but then take one more step. And hold on to His message that never changes.
“Hold on child, I’ve got you. Love, God.”
—————
Brandi Hafler is a Wesleyan pastor in West Michigan who works to connect people through serving, care and hospitality.
