Tracy K. Lorenz ...

Thanksgiving Rankings

It’s Thursday, I’ve got a column due, Stafford just threw a pick-six, so I might as well start typing. Here, according to me, is the definitive rankings of all Thanksgiving foods in order of taste. This list is indisputable so don’t even try.

#1 - Stove Top Stuffing:  Not just “stuffing”, Stove Top Stuffing. I don’t want to hear “But you haven’t tried MY stuffing...” you’re right I haven’t, but I already know it’s lame. “I add oregano, crushed beaks, french bread, blah blah, blip, and blah...” you could add manna and cocaine and it wouldn’t be as good Stove Top, quite possibly the world’s most perfect food.

#2 - Mashed Potatoes: I don’t care if they have a few lumps as long as they’re in semi-whipped form. For some reason I’m not a fan of potatoes that are just carved and boiled and laid on a plate, they just look like they lack commitment, like I was almost the perfect potato but I got pregnant and never finished college.

#3 - Cranberry Sauce: The kind where you can still see the rings from the can. I have no idea why this wonder of confection only makes an appearance once a year because it could be a stand-alone course.

#4 - Any pie with a fruit or gourd in its name: Mincemeat and rhubarb are not fruits or gourds.

#5 - Baked beans:  Not just plain ‘ol baked beans, they better have about two pounds of brown sugar mixed in and not be runny.

#6 - Corn:  Corn gets enough action the rest of the year, it can take a back seat for one day.  But it’s still better than ...

#7 - Sweet Potatoes with Marshmallows:  Like potato chips on tuna salad it just ... isn’t ... necessary to put marshmallows on sweet potatoes, they do fine on their own. Whenever I see marshmallows on sweet potatoes I think of Cub Scout potlucks for some reason and that reason is never good. 

#8 - Carrots: Carrots in any form.  Boiled, baked, cold or carved like a totem pole it doesn’t matter, carrots have no place in my life.  (Trivia: Rabbits eating carrots is a myth, they just eat the green part that’s sticking out of the ground.  That should tell you something.)

#9 - Radishes:  Why the heck is that radish looking at me? It’s Thanksgiving, get that thing outta here.

#10 - Turkey. There’s a reason you can buy a fifty-eight-pound turkey for six bucks, it’s not a desirable meat. Turkey is like Kaley Cuoco from “The Big Bang Theory:” it looks good sitting there but it can’t carry the show.


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