Berl Falbaum
For some time now, I have wondered why so many sports reporters can’t think of another question to ask athletes after an outstanding performance other than: “What were you thinking?”
I am thinking that they skipped journalism classes covering how to conduct interviews, or they believe this question is somehow intellectually deep and challenging and puts their subject on the spot. Or that it will produce an “exclusive,” i.e. “We have learned exclusively that when the quarterback threw that 50-yard pass, he was thinking…”
I also always hoped the respondents would answer with some kind of sarcastic remark, thereby letting the reporter know the inanity of the question.
But generally, athletes have been kind and answered courteously. So, we are taking matters into our own hands (cliché) and, below, offer some answers we would be delighted to hear.
Q. To a running back scoring the game-winning touchdown from the two-yard line.
A. I was pissed the coach called my number. I looked at the defensive line and wondered if it was too late to quit the team. There were eight 300-pounders of muscle facing me. Now, I knew why my mother suggested I join the chess club.
Q. To a quarterback after throwing a long touchdown pass.
A. I hoped that my offensive line wasn’t mad at me. The guys on the other side were drooling. So, when I got to the line, I called an audible: “I’m buying tonight. Drinks all around.” I am thinking: I hope that growling lineman who is after my a__, doesn’t catch me. I thought about inviting him for drinks too.
Q. To a baseball player who just socked a 100-mph pitch for the winning home run.
A. I was thinking that my wife was worried I was not wearing my cup.
Q. To an Olympic women’s athlete on winning a gold medal in gymnastics.
A. Whoever thought of these ridiculous exercises — uneven bars, and the four-inch balance beam. Couldn’t the person who thought this up have made it 12 inches. The floor exercises are tough enough. As I twist in the air, I am thinking this is utterly crazy.
Q. To a runner winning the 100-meter dash in under 10 seconds.
A. I am thinking I sure hope the guy next to me sprains an ankle. I am thinking what’s the big deal if I finish in 11 seconds.
Q. To mountain climber on reaching the summit of Mt. Everest.
A. I trained for years, spent eight weeks climbing and risking my life, and I am thinking now what do I do? I have to walk down.
Q. To boxer who knocks out his opponent after taking a beating in a championship bout.
A. I’m thinking this guy beat the crap out of me and how lucky I was to throw that punch on my way down. And I am thinking how long it will take me to recover and what an idiot I am to take this
punishment.
Q. To the winner of a marathon race.
A. As I hit 20 miles, I am thinking couldn’t Pheidippides have run the 24.85 miles from the battlefield in Marathon to Athens in two days to tell the Athenians they had won. What was the hurry? Sure, enough, he collapsed at the finish. And now we run 26 miles and 385 yards with no news.
Q. To the winner of the Iditarod race in Alaska.
A. I’m thinking I better stay away from the dogs. They are going to get even with me. I beat the hell out of them.
Q. To hockey goalie who stopped a potential winning goal from the opponents’ best shooter who was skating in on him on a breakaway.
A. I’m thinking, holy crap. Do I have time to fake an injury?
Q. To a football coach after his quarterback fumbled a game-winning touchdown in the opponent’s end zone.
A. What a dumb s.o.b. I’m going to check if I can get rid of him before the trading deadline.
Q. To the center of a football team.
A. Around the third quarter or so, I am thinking of shaking the hand of the guy across from me and say, “Okay, what do you say? Enough already.”
Finally, I am waiting for the interview in which an athlete asks the reporter: What were you thinking when you asked me what I was thinking?
I am thinking that they skipped journalism classes covering how to conduct interviews, or they believe this question is somehow intellectually deep and challenging and puts their subject on the spot. Or that it will produce an “exclusive,” i.e. “We have learned exclusively that when the quarterback threw that 50-yard pass, he was thinking…”
I also always hoped the respondents would answer with some kind of sarcastic remark, thereby letting the reporter know the inanity of the question.
But generally, athletes have been kind and answered courteously. So, we are taking matters into our own hands (cliché) and, below, offer some answers we would be delighted to hear.
Q. To a running back scoring the game-winning touchdown from the two-yard line.
A. I was pissed the coach called my number. I looked at the defensive line and wondered if it was too late to quit the team. There were eight 300-pounders of muscle facing me. Now, I knew why my mother suggested I join the chess club.
Q. To a quarterback after throwing a long touchdown pass.
A. I hoped that my offensive line wasn’t mad at me. The guys on the other side were drooling. So, when I got to the line, I called an audible: “I’m buying tonight. Drinks all around.” I am thinking: I hope that growling lineman who is after my a__, doesn’t catch me. I thought about inviting him for drinks too.
Q. To a baseball player who just socked a 100-mph pitch for the winning home run.
A. I was thinking that my wife was worried I was not wearing my cup.
Q. To an Olympic women’s athlete on winning a gold medal in gymnastics.
A. Whoever thought of these ridiculous exercises — uneven bars, and the four-inch balance beam. Couldn’t the person who thought this up have made it 12 inches. The floor exercises are tough enough. As I twist in the air, I am thinking this is utterly crazy.
Q. To a runner winning the 100-meter dash in under 10 seconds.
A. I am thinking I sure hope the guy next to me sprains an ankle. I am thinking what’s the big deal if I finish in 11 seconds.
Q. To mountain climber on reaching the summit of Mt. Everest.
A. I trained for years, spent eight weeks climbing and risking my life, and I am thinking now what do I do? I have to walk down.
Q. To boxer who knocks out his opponent after taking a beating in a championship bout.
A. I’m thinking this guy beat the crap out of me and how lucky I was to throw that punch on my way down. And I am thinking how long it will take me to recover and what an idiot I am to take this
punishment.
Q. To the winner of a marathon race.
A. As I hit 20 miles, I am thinking couldn’t Pheidippides have run the 24.85 miles from the battlefield in Marathon to Athens in two days to tell the Athenians they had won. What was the hurry? Sure, enough, he collapsed at the finish. And now we run 26 miles and 385 yards with no news.
Q. To the winner of the Iditarod race in Alaska.
A. I’m thinking I better stay away from the dogs. They are going to get even with me. I beat the hell out of them.
Q. To hockey goalie who stopped a potential winning goal from the opponents’ best shooter who was skating in on him on a breakaway.
A. I’m thinking, holy crap. Do I have time to fake an injury?
Q. To a football coach after his quarterback fumbled a game-winning touchdown in the opponent’s end zone.
A. What a dumb s.o.b. I’m going to check if I can get rid of him before the trading deadline.
Q. To the center of a football team.
A. Around the third quarter or so, I am thinking of shaking the hand of the guy across from me and say, “Okay, what do you say? Enough already.”
Finally, I am waiting for the interview in which an athlete asks the reporter: What were you thinking when you asked me what I was thinking?
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