Berl Falbaum
An Open Letter to the Almighty:
Being all knowing, You probably already knew that Donald Trump wants to be admitted to heaven.
Yes, like You, we laughed too when we read the news story covering Trump’s announcement of his heavenly desires on “Fox & Friends.” But You deserve some comic relief given the state of the world.
Actually, at first, we thought Trump was joking but his press secretary, Karoline Leavitt, assured us Trump was not kidding. Then, to show she is not offended by the nasty questions aimed at her daily, she added that she hopes everyone in the White House press briefing room ends up in heaven. Now, that’s good PR.
Trump asked her to prepare the best resume ever written in the history of the world, a resume which he intends to forward to You.
We understand fully the difficult decision You face: Let him in and diminish the traits that humans believe are necessary for admission or show the mercy for which You are revered and praised.
Boy, we’re glad we’re not in Your shoes. Frankly, we would like to be in Your shoes, but we don’t mean to be disrespectful or sacrilegious.
Trump made his wishes for a heavenly afterlife public during an interview on Fox.
“I want to try to get to heaven, if possible,” he said during a phone call he made to the news station. “I’m hearing I’m not doing well. I am really at the bottom of the totem pole. But if I can get to heaven, this (ending the war in Ukraine) will be one of the reasons.”
How Trump learned his poll numbers in heaven are not very good is not clear. Maybe there is a leaker in Your office. But Trump accepted the information graciously, not damning it as “fake news.”
We are also sure he regrets slighting You when, after bombing Iran, he said he wanted to thank many people, “in particular God.” He probably wishes he had phrased that somewhat more gratefully and gracefully, like, “I want to thank God and, in particular, the military.”
The president has talked about heaven before, stating that he is confident that his mother is dwelling among the angels but he wasn’t sure about dad. Another mistake by forgetting Your commandment in Exodus to honor “thy mother and father.”
You may also recall that at one point he wanted to be Pope. His office released an artificially generated photo of Trump dressed as a pope. But he always worried that a vote by the College of Cardinals would be rigged so he never submitted his name for consideration.
We are confident that if You let him through the pearly gates, he would thank You personally because he maintained that You saved him from being assassinated so he could make America Great Again. In gratitude, he would distribute MAGA hats to everyone.
He is asking his Cabinet members and other influential humans for letters of recommendation, which he will forward to Evangelical clergy who lead much of his base.
Some of these leaders have called Trump the “chosen one,” “savior,” “the second coming,” and “the Christ for this age.” And they did all this without checking with You. Pretty presumptuous.
Fox already has written such a letter with the P.S. that Trump won the 2020 election.
If there is an interview before You decide Trump’s fate, You will probably ask him why he never asked for forgiveness, a fact he has acknowledged. He said he never asked for clemency “officially,” “no, I don’t think so,” but added that he frequently drinks a little wine with a cracker as “often as possible and then I feel cleansed.”
Every time Trump performed this ritual, Stormy Daniels was totally confused.
In the interview, we wondered if You’ll let him take the Fifth. Moreover, since You already know what he’ll say, it must be weird posing the questions. For instance, You know whether his name is in the Epstein Files and how many times, etc.
On the positive side, he states unequivocally that the Bible is his favorite book. Expressing some unexpected and unusual humility, he rates his own book, “The Art of the Deal” as second. He sells both books and thinks he could do better if You give him a blurb for the back cover of his work and he will provide one for the Bible.
Trump prides himself as being the world’s greatest negotiator and is ready to sit down with You to make a deal that opens heaven’s doors for him.
We have learned he is prepared to agree to leave the female angels alone, not build any golf courses or hotels on some of heaven’s best real estate, and reduce telling falsehoods to a minimum. He says he can’t promise to be totally truthful because, like an addict giving up drugs, it takes time to become clean.
He also will agree to You conducting performance reviews every six months or so.
As we said, this is not an easy decision for You. It’s a toughie. But we are confident You will do the right thing. So, poor Trump.
And let us say, Amen.
Being all knowing, You probably already knew that Donald Trump wants to be admitted to heaven.
Yes, like You, we laughed too when we read the news story covering Trump’s announcement of his heavenly desires on “Fox & Friends.” But You deserve some comic relief given the state of the world.
Actually, at first, we thought Trump was joking but his press secretary, Karoline Leavitt, assured us Trump was not kidding. Then, to show she is not offended by the nasty questions aimed at her daily, she added that she hopes everyone in the White House press briefing room ends up in heaven. Now, that’s good PR.
Trump asked her to prepare the best resume ever written in the history of the world, a resume which he intends to forward to You.
We understand fully the difficult decision You face: Let him in and diminish the traits that humans believe are necessary for admission or show the mercy for which You are revered and praised.
Boy, we’re glad we’re not in Your shoes. Frankly, we would like to be in Your shoes, but we don’t mean to be disrespectful or sacrilegious.
Trump made his wishes for a heavenly afterlife public during an interview on Fox.
“I want to try to get to heaven, if possible,” he said during a phone call he made to the news station. “I’m hearing I’m not doing well. I am really at the bottom of the totem pole. But if I can get to heaven, this (ending the war in Ukraine) will be one of the reasons.”
How Trump learned his poll numbers in heaven are not very good is not clear. Maybe there is a leaker in Your office. But Trump accepted the information graciously, not damning it as “fake news.”
We are also sure he regrets slighting You when, after bombing Iran, he said he wanted to thank many people, “in particular God.” He probably wishes he had phrased that somewhat more gratefully and gracefully, like, “I want to thank God and, in particular, the military.”
The president has talked about heaven before, stating that he is confident that his mother is dwelling among the angels but he wasn’t sure about dad. Another mistake by forgetting Your commandment in Exodus to honor “thy mother and father.”
You may also recall that at one point he wanted to be Pope. His office released an artificially generated photo of Trump dressed as a pope. But he always worried that a vote by the College of Cardinals would be rigged so he never submitted his name for consideration.
We are confident that if You let him through the pearly gates, he would thank You personally because he maintained that You saved him from being assassinated so he could make America Great Again. In gratitude, he would distribute MAGA hats to everyone.
He is asking his Cabinet members and other influential humans for letters of recommendation, which he will forward to Evangelical clergy who lead much of his base.
Some of these leaders have called Trump the “chosen one,” “savior,” “the second coming,” and “the Christ for this age.” And they did all this without checking with You. Pretty presumptuous.
Fox already has written such a letter with the P.S. that Trump won the 2020 election.
If there is an interview before You decide Trump’s fate, You will probably ask him why he never asked for forgiveness, a fact he has acknowledged. He said he never asked for clemency “officially,” “no, I don’t think so,” but added that he frequently drinks a little wine with a cracker as “often as possible and then I feel cleansed.”
Every time Trump performed this ritual, Stormy Daniels was totally confused.
In the interview, we wondered if You’ll let him take the Fifth. Moreover, since You already know what he’ll say, it must be weird posing the questions. For instance, You know whether his name is in the Epstein Files and how many times, etc.
On the positive side, he states unequivocally that the Bible is his favorite book. Expressing some unexpected and unusual humility, he rates his own book, “The Art of the Deal” as second. He sells both books and thinks he could do better if You give him a blurb for the back cover of his work and he will provide one for the Bible.
Trump prides himself as being the world’s greatest negotiator and is ready to sit down with You to make a deal that opens heaven’s doors for him.
We have learned he is prepared to agree to leave the female angels alone, not build any golf courses or hotels on some of heaven’s best real estate, and reduce telling falsehoods to a minimum. He says he can’t promise to be totally truthful because, like an addict giving up drugs, it takes time to become clean.
He also will agree to You conducting performance reviews every six months or so.
As we said, this is not an easy decision for You. It’s a toughie. But we are confident You will do the right thing. So, poor Trump.
And let us say, Amen.
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