Columns

Is anyone curious what about what will be this year’s average pricetag for a typical Thanksgiving dinner? I would love to inform you, except I am writing this column before The Farm Bureau Federation (FBF) has the final volunteer price scout reports in from its members who each year supply the foundational numbers for this important bit of data. You will need to stay tuned, yourself.

Is anyone curious what about what will be this year’s average pricetag for a typical Thanksgiving dinner? I would love to inform you, except I am writing this column before The Farm Bureau Federation (FBF) has the final volunteer price scout reports in from its members who each year supply the foundational numbers for this important bit of data. You will need to stay tuned, yourself.

What I can tell you is that in 2025, the FBF folks reported the typical cost of a Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people was $55.18, which breaks down to $5.52 per person. They pointed out this is far better than the record-high 2022 Thanksgiving meal cost, when the Turkey Day dinner for that same group of 10 was $64.05.

What all is included in the “classic” Thanksgiving dinner? It consists of turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, rolls, peas, cranberries, a veggie tray and pumpkin pie with whipped cream. Immediately, I can see a couple of obvious errors in what they regard as classic Thanksgiving foods. Peas?! PULEASE!

If it were up to me, I’d cut those stupid veggies directly out of the meal and price from the get-go and spare millions of American children the problem of trying to discreetly palm and secret into their napkins those wrinkly little green orbs. Besides, everyone knows it was NOT peas, but green bean casserole with French-fried onions on top that was served at the first Thanksgiving. Duh!

Additionally, we need green bean casserole as a relatively fool-proof item for assigning to new- and non-cooks as their contribution to Thanksgiving dinner (while the bringing of the olives remains reserved for the proven notoriously bad cooks). Most research shows holiday guests are less likely to be food-poisoned by green beans. Overall veggie-wise, the veggie tray needs to go. Nobody’s thankful for carrot and celery sticks!

Another item that was omitted from the FBF’s classic Thanksgiving meal was mashed potatoes, as in plain old white or Yukon gold spuds. And REAL tators at that! No boxed or pre-made store-bought crap. I can imagine the riot that would ensue at our huge, extended family Thanksgiving dinner table when someone asked someone to pass the mashed potatoes and I had to announce there weren’t any this year in keeping within the Farm Bureau Federation’s impaired imagination of what constitutes a Thanksgiving dinner.

Again, while the IQ of the average holiday glutton is not that high, most often they are sharp enough to recognized a Thanksgiving meal without mashed potatoes is a poor excuse for a Thanksgiving meal. I have this on good authority from a pillow on my couch that bears the famous Norman Rockwell painting “Freedom from Want,” showing an eager family gathering around a Thanksgiving table with grandparents presenting them with a platter bearing a huge turkey. The table features a large, covered silver serving bowl that I’m certain contained mashed potatoes.

The absence of mashed potatoes makes me seriously wonder what serious kinds of drugs the creators of what constitutes a classic Thanksgiving feast were doing! Certainly not the kind that gave them the munchies for an extra-large serving of mashed potatoes slathered in butter and/or gravy! Sweet potatoes are good, but as an add-on, not a substitution for the regular mashed variety.

My inquiring mind would also like to know who will be doing the rationing of the FBF’s classic Turkey Day meal. In good conscience, I could not implement portion control on Thanksgiving. Going all registered dietician on my relatives and insisting they take only a “playing card-sized” piece of turkey would result in strong backlash – to my body – and lifetime banishment to the kids’ table.

It’s tempting to instead purchase Costco’s Complete Gourmet Thanksgiving Turkey Dinner for eight for $199.99. What’s included that jacks the per-meal price up to restaurant level? Five pounds of turkey, three pounds each of mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, green bean casserole (no stinkin’ peas!) cornbread stuffing and sweetcorn; plus candied yams, gravy, cranberry relish/sauce,  12 dinner rolls, pumpkin pie and apple cobbler. Yum!

Normally, I go with homemade holiday food, but the store-bought stuff is suddenly sounding considerably safer for many reasons! Unfortunately, someone still needs to bring olives.
————————
Kristy Smith is a contributor to the Climax Crescent.  Smith’s Different Drum humor columns are archived at her blog: diffdrum.wordpress.com.

There’s something about fall that casts a special spell over many of us. Perhaps we’re spellbound by the magnificent color show staged by the morphing leaves; or maybe we enjoy the cooling of the air after we’ve suffered through the record-breaking summer heat; or just possibly we’ve had one too many pumpkin spice lattes and are viewing things through caffeine- and sugar-coated glasses.

There’s something about fall that casts a special spell over many of us. Perhaps we’re spellbound by the magnificent color show staged by the morphing leaves; or maybe we enjoy the cooling of the air after we’ve suffered through the record-breaking summer heat; or just possibly we’ve had one too many pumpkin spice lattes and are viewing things through caffeine- and sugar-coated glasses.

Multiple shades of orange personify fall, as captured in Mary O’Neill’s 1961 children’s book, “Hailstones and Halibut Bones” (atypical spacing and punctuation comes from the book): 
“Orange is a tiger lily, A carrot,  A feather from a parrot.  A flame,  The wildest color You can name.  Orange is a happy day, Saying good-bye  In a sunset that That shocks the sky. Orange is brave  Orange is bold  It’s bittersweet  And marigold  Orange is zip  Orange is dash  The brightest stripe  In a Roman sash.  Orange is an orange, Also a mango.  Orange is music of the tango.  Orange is the fur  Of the fiery fox, It’s The brightest crayon  In the box.  And in the fall, When the leaves are turning, Orange is the smell  Of a bonfire burning...”

What wonderful imagery that brings to mind. O’Neill is creative in observing and comparing the unique hues of orangey colors of the fall to the familiar. It’s hard for me to believe that mere colors can lead to large-scale enchantment with all things autumn. Conversely, it needs to be uttered (and more like muttered) that not everyone falls for fall. Autumn’s leaf-based fatal charms has a few resisters – and with good reason.

Depending on where you live, what kind of dwelling you inhabit, and whether you rent or own, your view of fall may be more or less quaint than that of the guy or gal next to you. For instance, if you live in an apartment complex or condo where someone else is responsible for leaf collection and removal, you have the luxury of simply sitting back and enjoying watching the leaves swirl through the air from trees to ground.

The sight is not as enjoyable if you are a homeowner who has 20 some mature maple trees surrounding her house and yard. Your enthusiasm may not be as over-the-top when fall pulls up and dumps all its leaves at your feet every October and November and this formerly glorious sight others swoon over becomes just another big fat chore on your fall to-do list. Perhaps you could outsource the raking and blowing, but that’s so price-prohibitive!

As someone whose leaf blower tends to be temperamental regarding when it feels like working, I view the fall leaves as a personal assault from which I never know if I’ll recover. So pardon me if I skip the over-priced pumpkin spice coffee and instead start saving discretionary income toward ridding myself of Freddie the Leaf and his buddies.

In addition to leaf management, fall requires other home owner dirty job-doing, including furnace tune-ups and thoroughly cleaning any fans you used during spring and summer before putting them away for the season. The change in the seasons saw me removing the AC unit from the window in the fireplace room earlier this week in anticipation of dragging the old storm windows out of my basement and fastening them into place. Not my favorite job for many reasons, chief among them the acknowledgement winter is on its way.

I also need to get the lawnmower scheduled for its annual trip to the equipment dealership for servicing. That way it will be ready and rarin’ to go should the grass blades shoot up early like they did this spring. I need to be able to hop on and mow. Speaking of mowing, the shaggy appearance of my lawn suggests I may need to do another “final” mow this weekend.

Reminder to self: put away the lawn furniture and cushions from the porch. That shouldn’t be hard, as things got too busy this year to even put out the cushions. Work and a new grandson saw to that. Guess that means I won’t be as comfortable this year watching my nemeses, the leaves, daintily fall into my gutters that need to pre-winter cleaning. Aargh!
————————
Kristy Smith is a contributor to the Climax Crescent. Smith’s Different Drum humor columns are archived at her blog: diffdrum.wordpress.com.

In preface, all I can say is it’s a good thing this happened early on a Sunday afternoon rather than during the weekday lunch rush or I probably wouldn’t be alive to tell the story.

By Kristy Smith

In preface, all I can say is it’s a good thing this happened early on a Sunday afternoon rather than during the weekday lunch rush or I probably wouldn’t be alive to tell the story.

I went through a Wendy’s drive-thru in hope of procuring an affordable lunch: a six-dollar Biggie Bag, to be precise. That order comes with a small burger, French fries, soft drink and 4 chicken nuggets. That’s no big(gie) deal, but this occurred right after that food chain had re-named some of the dipping sauces for its nuggets.

As you probably realize with fast food restaurants, they aim to live up to their category name. That requires their patrons to get with the program and know exactly what they want before arriving at the microphone and speaker box to place their order. It also requires NOT asking a bunch of questions that result in holding up the entire line of patrons in vehicles hoping to place orders during lunchtime.

In response to me saying into the microphone, “I’d like a six-dollar Biggee Bag,” I got peppered with questions: “Which sandwich? What drink? And what dipping sauce?” I was prepped to answer the first two queries. “I’d like a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger and Diet Coke ... and ... and ...”  My voice trailed off into vocalized pause world following my initial decisiveness. I had spotted the new dipping sauces on the menu board and was trying to figure out what was what. It didn’t help there were several from which to choose.

“Um ... ugh ... ah ... I’ll take the ranch ... no ... I want the sweet chili ... oh ... better make that the scorchin’ hot sauce.” I must have done it right because my stammering got me an, “Okay, your total is $6.36. Please pull forward.” The man driving the truck behind me let out a loud sigh. Clearly, he had been worried I would take all day based on the way I had tripped over my words.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to hold up the line” I said to the girl who took my money. “No worries,” she replied, “I’ve seen a lot of people be a whole lot stupider in the drive-thru.” Well, that was a back-handed compliment if ever I’ve received one! But no need to get offended. It could be much worse: I could have to work in fast food and deal with this kind of stuff day in and day out.

So goes a typical day in America – land of crazed condiment connoisseurs. While I couldn’t find any official rankings on the most condiment saturated nations, AI summarized aptly “ ... countries with diverse culinary traditions, heavy street-food sandwich cultures, or massive consumer markets offer an extensive variety of sandwich spreads and sauces.” That has led to food trucks frequently being outside my workplace.

Granted, the food truck observation is anecdotal, but I’ll add to it. As someone who shops a large supermarket weekly, I feel qualified based on my surveillance of the busy sauce aisle to present over-ample evidence of American condiment-obsessed purchasing habits.

Flying-off-the-shelves mustard offerings include these varieties: maple, horseradish, stoneground, spicy brown, honey, Dijon, jalapeno, sweet and spicy, dill pickle, hot honey, grey poupon and whole grain.

If that hasn’t boggled your mind, try locating a jar of Kraft Miracle Whip or unadulterated mayo among the white salad dressings and mayonnaise, of which there are multiple types: olive oil, avocado oil, buffalo-style, horseradish, spicy chipotle, dijo, Italian, garlic, Japanese, smooth-n-creamy, whipped, Sriracha and truffle. Yes, that’s right – truffle – for my BLT? WTH?!

There’re also multiple sauces bearing restaurant names, including Chick-fil-A Sauce, Tony Chachere’s (pronounced sa-shur-ee’s) Creole-Style Steakhouse, Popeye’s Blackened Ranch Dipping Sauce, Subway Roasted Garlic Aioli, and Buffalo Wild Wings. Holy crap!

Americans like to pretend that having 58 sauces crowding our fridge doors qualifies us for a culinary badge. It doesn’t. We need to ditch the “thrive on variety” mentality and stop clogging the fast food drive-thru lanes and our arteries. Nobody’s that special sauce, so get off it!
————————
Kristy Smith is a contributor to the Climax Crescent. Smith’s Different Drum humor columns are archived at her blog: diffdrum.wordpress.com.

Dear Editor:
On August 6th, 2024, the Climax Township Fire Department asks for your continued support and vote Yes to renew the proposed 10-year fire department millage.

Dear Editor:

On August 6th, 2024, the Climax Township Fire Department asks for your continued support and vote Yes to renew the proposed 10-year fire department millage.

A township millage provides a stable financial foundation for our fire department enabling it to maintain operational readiness, enhance firefighting capabilities, and better serve the community’s safety needs.

Funding for the fire department is crucial for ensuring it can effectively carry out its mission of protecting lives & property and educating our community through outreach and community events.

This millage renewal will help the fire department in several ways. First, it provides funding for operations. The fire department requires funds for daily operations, including maintenance of equipment, training of personnel, and day-to-day operational expenses. A significant portion of a fire department’s budget goes towards personnel costs and required training. Millage funds can help ensure that the department can
attract and retain qualified firefighters to serve our community. A township millage provides a steady source of revenue that can be used to cover these costs.

Secondly, it assists with equipment upgrades and maintenance. Firefighting equipment needs regular maintenance and occasional replacement. Millage funds can be allocated towards purchasing new equipment such as fire trucks, protective gear, and communication systems, or for repairing and maintaining existing equipment.

Lastly, our department knows the importance of engaging the community through outreach and education programs which promote fire safety and prevention. Millage funds will support these initiatives, which are crucial for enhancing public safety and reducing fire incidents. Over the years our department has provided outreach and education during athletic events at the school, free CPR training to the community, providing a safe place at the fire station during Halloween, and visiting our schools during fire prevention month.

Again, we would like to thank the residents of Climax Township for their continued support and ask that you vote Yes for the renewal of the fire department millage on August 6th 2024.

Respectfully,
Scott Smith, Climax Township Fire Chief

Dear Editor:
I am writing to encourage South County voters to Say Yes to Seniors when they case their ballots in the August 6 Primary Election.

Dear Editor:

I am writing to encourage South County voters to Say Yes to Seniors when they case their ballots in the August 6 Primary Election. For less than $3 per year we can collectively continue to generate approximately $3.7 million to help support seniors living at home in every township, city and village in Kalamazoo County.

Senior millage dollars fund vital services, including home delivered meals, help with household chores and personal car, as well as wheelchair ramps, emergency response devices, home repair, and transportation. This helps seniors stay in their homes, and helps caregivers connect with critical support services needed by older adults.

During 2023, for example, 10,862 older adults county-wide received services from the senior millage. Five-hundred and sixty-four older adults living in South County benefitted from the senior millage in 2023.

Not only older adults benefit from the senior millage; it will benefit caregivers by funding respite care so someone can come into the home to give the caregiver a break to take care of themselves or attend to other important business. In addition, employers in Kalamazoo County also benefit because their employees won’t be absent due to the unmet needs of their loved ones. The senior millage provides the care, quality of life, and dignity that vulnerable seniors deserve, making our community a better place to live for all of us.

Please Say Yes to Seniors on August 6.

Sincerely,
Danna M. Downing
Vicksburg