By Jo Ramsdell
If you choose to follow in my footsteps, please side-step my mis-steps and learn from my mistakes. My best steps were falling in love with 2 incredible yet very different men, and giving birth to 2 incredible yet very different sons. At the moment that a man or a woman begins a new life with someone else, they can no longer live for the “ME,” for at that instant, life should become all about the “WE.” A harmonious outcome in life, is something we should all strive for.
In about 1986, I became depressed and began wallowing in self-pity, and I veered off course. Our boys were nine and six. I was overwhelmed and over-tired, and without sleep, I had lost control of my emotions and common sense. Parents must have all their wits about them when dealing with strong-willed children, or the child will have won before the battle even begins. Being their elder, I expected my children to do as I said, to show me the respect that I was entitled to. There were times I got so angry that as I watched our sons stomp up the stairs, the spindles on the banister moved like heat waves, blood pressure totally out of whack. I have since concluded that the phrase, “Respect one’s elders” is a half-truth. The second half should state, “Respect must also be earned.”
Needless to say, I was struggling with parenthood, and I felt my ego deserved a quick fix. I began to fill my days volunteering at church and school; and I began a stenciling business. I convinced myself that I was doing something noble for family and community, but in reality, I had placed my focus on “ME,” doing things that made “ME” feel good. The boys and my husband unintentionally became secondary.
If you choose to follow in my footsteps, please side-step my mis-steps and learn from my mistakes. My best steps were falling in love with 2 incredible yet very different men, and giving birth to 2 incredible yet very different sons. At the moment that a man or a woman begins a new life with someone else, they can no longer live for the “ME,” for at that instant, life should become all about the “WE.” A harmonious outcome in life, is something we should all strive for.
In about 1986, I became depressed and began wallowing in self-pity, and I veered off course. Our boys were nine and six. I was overwhelmed and over-tired, and without sleep, I had lost control of my emotions and common sense. Parents must have all their wits about them when dealing with strong-willed children, or the child will have won before the battle even begins. Being their elder, I expected my children to do as I said, to show me the respect that I was entitled to. There were times I got so angry that as I watched our sons stomp up the stairs, the spindles on the banister moved like heat waves, blood pressure totally out of whack. I have since concluded that the phrase, “Respect one’s elders” is a half-truth. The second half should state, “Respect must also be earned.”
Needless to say, I was struggling with parenthood, and I felt my ego deserved a quick fix. I began to fill my days volunteering at church and school; and I began a stenciling business. I convinced myself that I was doing something noble for family and community, but in reality, I had placed my focus on “ME,” doing things that made “ME” feel good. The boys and my husband unintentionally became secondary.
Eventually coming to terms that I needed outside help, I finally took steps to get it. I sought out a psychologist and I began a ten-week course in parenting, to teach me how to modify my behavior.
However, those ten classes did little for my attitude, for the entire time, I felt the boys needed modification, not me. I had literally given up before I even began. Finally, I acknowledged that I did not need or want a new life, I just needed to do a better job at the one I already had. So, I signed up for another ten weeks. This time however, I was not in denial. Surprisingly enough, five weeks later, there was a noticeable difference in our family. I was now acting, rather than reacting, and when I modified my responses in a positive fashion, the boys’ responses gradually modified as well. I was no longer pushing their buttons. Choice of words and tone of voice were key to my success. That is not to say we never had any more issues or arguments, it just meant we handled ourselves better.
Our personalities and mental “make up” also play a big part in our ability to parent. Dealing with attention deficit and dyslexia, I had to learn how to over compensate for my lack of focus and memory.
One day when I was overbooked and overwhelmed with my commitment volunteering at church, I made a huge mistake. I was to pick up our oldest son, age 8, and then drive across town to pick up a friend’s daughter, age 5. But I had forgotten that school got out an hour earlier than usual on that day. I flat out panicked. The little girl was waiting in the school office when I arrived, but then I had to find our son. After several phone calls, I learned he had gone to a neighbor’s house to wait. For those of us with focus and memory problems, we cannot afford to let down our guard. With our
distractible minds, when we leave our children’s sides, what should have been just a second becomes 10, 15, and even 30 minutes. We have to take extra precautions or literally our children’s lives can be at stake. We must learn ways to help us keep on task, hence my title “The Post-It Queen,” only one of numerous compensations.
Two other pitfalls for parents are “scheduling” and “consequences.” Parents can set themselves and their children up for failure by creating unrealistic schedules. Kids also need good sleep habits and a routine, or their chances to succeed in life will have been compromised. For example, if I knew my sons needed a nap in the afternoon, and that they would most likely misbehave without it, why in the world would I plan activities during that time? Because I was thinking only of “ME.” My misguided reasoning being, a “good parent” should offer their child all the opportunities that other parents offer their children. Truth be known, however, it was far more important for me to look like a good parent in the eyes of others, than actually being a good parent. There would be plenty of time for “ME” when the boys were grown, but now I had an obligation and a responsibility to put family first. The other common trap that parents tend to fall into is threatening unrealistic consequences. Angry, and without thinking clearly, some of the consequences I threw out would not only penalize the one misbehaving, but would in fact punish everyone. Wisdom eventually prevailed, and I finally made a list of acceptable responses for unacceptable behavior.
If only kids and spouses came with manuals and lifetime guarantees, life would be so much easier. But since that will never happen, there are a few things to keep in mind. We all need to be loved and respected, and happiness begins at home. If the happiness you once felt begins to fade, do not just stand by and watch it happen. Like a romantic fire, it will surely burn out if we fail to place bits of “tender” in the embers each and every day.
Hopefully, by side-stepping my mis-steps, others can discover their harmonious outcome, and also that most important “WE,” for their family. (tee-hee!)
distractible minds, when we leave our children’s sides, what should have been just a second becomes 10, 15, and even 30 minutes. We have to take extra precautions or literally our children’s lives can be at stake. We must learn ways to help us keep on task, hence my title “The Post-It Queen,” only one of numerous compensations.
Two other pitfalls for parents are “scheduling” and “consequences.” Parents can set themselves and their children up for failure by creating unrealistic schedules. Kids also need good sleep habits and a routine, or their chances to succeed in life will have been compromised. For example, if I knew my sons needed a nap in the afternoon, and that they would most likely misbehave without it, why in the world would I plan activities during that time? Because I was thinking only of “ME.” My misguided reasoning being, a “good parent” should offer their child all the opportunities that other parents offer their children. Truth be known, however, it was far more important for me to look like a good parent in the eyes of others, than actually being a good parent. There would be plenty of time for “ME” when the boys were grown, but now I had an obligation and a responsibility to put family first. The other common trap that parents tend to fall into is threatening unrealistic consequences. Angry, and without thinking clearly, some of the consequences I threw out would not only penalize the one misbehaving, but would in fact punish everyone. Wisdom eventually prevailed, and I finally made a list of acceptable responses for unacceptable behavior.
If only kids and spouses came with manuals and lifetime guarantees, life would be so much easier. But since that will never happen, there are a few things to keep in mind. We all need to be loved and respected, and happiness begins at home. If the happiness you once felt begins to fade, do not just stand by and watch it happen. Like a romantic fire, it will surely burn out if we fail to place bits of “tender” in the embers each and every day.
Hopefully, by side-stepping my mis-steps, others can discover their harmonious outcome, and also that most important “WE,” for their family. (tee-hee!)
