Shame. We have all felt it. That feeling that something is inherently wrong with us. That we are bad. It is like a slow-burning fire that simmers, smoldering beneath the surface. It can distort our inner world, keeping us small, guarded, and disconnected. Over time, it seeps into everything — how we see ourselves, how we show up in relationships, and what we believe we deserve. Shame feeds on silence, secrecy, and fear. However, when we name it, talk about it, and hold it with compassion, shame begins to lose its power.
“Rise from the ashes” is more than a poetic idiom. It is a powerful metaphor for transformation, rooted in the myth of the phoenix that is reborn from fire.
In life, many of us carry shame like heaping coals of fire on our heads, burning quietly but relentlessly wearing us down. Shame can stem from a range of experiences, some resulting from our choices, others inflicted upon us through trauma, rejection, or judgment. Regardless of its origin, shame isolates and disconnects.
But instead of letting shame define us, we can flip the script and use those heaping coals of fire as tools to refine us, to help us grow, transform, and rise from the ashes.
Understanding Shame
Brené Brown, a research professor and renowned author, defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.” Unlike guilt, which is tied to behavior — i.e., “I did something bad” — shame attacks identity — i.e., “I am bad.”
Shame is an emotion that most of us feel. It thrives in secrecy and silence. It is especially pervasive for those who have experienced trauma. Whether it’s childhood abuse, intimate partner violence, addiction, or simply growing up in an environment where emotions were not safe to express, shame often becomes a hidden thread that influences our decisions, relationships, and sense of self-worth. Blame and judgment can trigger shame because they send the message that a person is bad, broken, or not enough. When someone is blamed, they are often made to feel responsible not just for what they did, but for who they are. Judgment piles on by declaring that they are somehow defective, immoral, or unworthy.
We Are Not Alone
Because shame thrives in secrecy and silence, we often believe we are the only ones carrying quiet pain, unsure whether anyone would understand if they knew our truth. We feel disconnected and alone. We assume that someone who seems confident and composed has had an easy road. These assumptions fuel our separateness, keeping us stuck in the shadows of our pain. But the reality is that behind even the most composed exteriors are often stories of struggle, resilience, and survival. I know this because I know plenty of people with a polished cover whose stories are full of challenges and struggles. My own story includes domestic violence and a childhood full of difficulties. For a long time, I stayed silent, afraid that if others knew the truth, they would see me differently. Over time, I learned that what once felt like it might undo me instead revealed my strength. In choosing to speak, I rose, not despite coals of fire, but because of them. By being open about my experiences, I reclaimed my worthiness and stopped hiding in the shadows. This is where shame ends and authenticity begins.
We Are Not Defined by Our Stories
One of the most liberating truths is this: Our stories shape us but do not define us. What happened to us is part of our journey but is not the whole of who we are.
In narrative therapy, a core principle is that we are not the problem. e problem is the problem. This therapeutic approach invites us to externalize our pain, to put space between ourselves and the stories we carry, and to reclaim authorship of our lives.
This means learning to hold our past with compassion rather than judgment. It means revisiting painful memories not to relive them but to reframe them. To say: this happened, but it does not define me. I am not what was done to me.
Shame Resilience: A Path to Healing
Shame resilience is about vulnerability and authenticity. It is the ability to identify shame, understand it, and respond in ways that protect our sense of self-worth and strengthen connection with others. It is a practice that requires intention, self-compassion, and community. It is a daily decision to accept who we are and to believe we are worthy.
According to Brené Brown’s research, building shame resilience involves four key elements. We begin by recognizing how shame shows up for us and understanding its triggers. By recognizing shame, we can begin to create space between the feeling and our identity. We must also practice critical awareness. This means understanding why shame exists within us, how it works, and its impacts. This means questioning messages we download and asking where these messages come from. We then need a space to speak our truth. This means finding safe, supportive people who meet us with empathy and hold space for our stories without judgment. This does not mean oversharing. Rather, it means choosing to be honest with ourselves and others. It means naming shame and reclaiming our sense of self, not as good or bad, but as inherently worthy, whole, and human, flawed and growing, yet still deserving of love, belonging, and connection.
A Shared Human Experience
We all have wounds we carry. Some are visible; many are not. While our experiences may diff er, the emotions we feel are the same and deeply human. One of my favorite quotes is attributed to the French philosopher Pierre Teilhard de Chardin:
“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”
Let that sink in. When we remember that our feelings are a human experience and not the essence of who we are, we can hold our pain with a little more grace. We can see our survival not as weakness but as strength and offer that same compassion to others.
You Are the Author of Your Story
For too long, shame has kept survivors silent. It has convinced us that our value lies in perfection, performance, or our ability to hide the parts of ourselves we fear will not be accepted. But the truth is, our power lies in our willingness to be seen, vulnerable, and authentic.
If you take nothing else from this article, let it be this: You are not defined by what happened to you. You are not broken. You are not bad. You are not alone. Shame is part of the human experience, but it is just an emotion. It is not who you are. Shame resilience is how we rise from the ashes, claiming our story and remembering: We are spiritual beings, beautifully and imperfectly having a human experience. This perspective allows us to hold compassion for ourselves, to see our wounds as part of our becoming, and to rise from the ashes.
————————
Sarah E. Kuchon, of Hohauser Kuchon, is the 93rd president of the Oakland County Bar Association.
“Rise from the ashes” is more than a poetic idiom. It is a powerful metaphor for transformation, rooted in the myth of the phoenix that is reborn from fire.
In life, many of us carry shame like heaping coals of fire on our heads, burning quietly but relentlessly wearing us down. Shame can stem from a range of experiences, some resulting from our choices, others inflicted upon us through trauma, rejection, or judgment. Regardless of its origin, shame isolates and disconnects.
But instead of letting shame define us, we can flip the script and use those heaping coals of fire as tools to refine us, to help us grow, transform, and rise from the ashes.
Understanding Shame
Brené Brown, a research professor and renowned author, defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.” Unlike guilt, which is tied to behavior — i.e., “I did something bad” — shame attacks identity — i.e., “I am bad.”
Shame is an emotion that most of us feel. It thrives in secrecy and silence. It is especially pervasive for those who have experienced trauma. Whether it’s childhood abuse, intimate partner violence, addiction, or simply growing up in an environment where emotions were not safe to express, shame often becomes a hidden thread that influences our decisions, relationships, and sense of self-worth. Blame and judgment can trigger shame because they send the message that a person is bad, broken, or not enough. When someone is blamed, they are often made to feel responsible not just for what they did, but for who they are. Judgment piles on by declaring that they are somehow defective, immoral, or unworthy.
We Are Not Alone
Because shame thrives in secrecy and silence, we often believe we are the only ones carrying quiet pain, unsure whether anyone would understand if they knew our truth. We feel disconnected and alone. We assume that someone who seems confident and composed has had an easy road. These assumptions fuel our separateness, keeping us stuck in the shadows of our pain. But the reality is that behind even the most composed exteriors are often stories of struggle, resilience, and survival. I know this because I know plenty of people with a polished cover whose stories are full of challenges and struggles. My own story includes domestic violence and a childhood full of difficulties. For a long time, I stayed silent, afraid that if others knew the truth, they would see me differently. Over time, I learned that what once felt like it might undo me instead revealed my strength. In choosing to speak, I rose, not despite coals of fire, but because of them. By being open about my experiences, I reclaimed my worthiness and stopped hiding in the shadows. This is where shame ends and authenticity begins.
We Are Not Defined by Our Stories
One of the most liberating truths is this: Our stories shape us but do not define us. What happened to us is part of our journey but is not the whole of who we are.
In narrative therapy, a core principle is that we are not the problem. e problem is the problem. This therapeutic approach invites us to externalize our pain, to put space between ourselves and the stories we carry, and to reclaim authorship of our lives.
This means learning to hold our past with compassion rather than judgment. It means revisiting painful memories not to relive them but to reframe them. To say: this happened, but it does not define me. I am not what was done to me.
Shame Resilience: A Path to Healing
Shame resilience is about vulnerability and authenticity. It is the ability to identify shame, understand it, and respond in ways that protect our sense of self-worth and strengthen connection with others. It is a practice that requires intention, self-compassion, and community. It is a daily decision to accept who we are and to believe we are worthy.
According to Brené Brown’s research, building shame resilience involves four key elements. We begin by recognizing how shame shows up for us and understanding its triggers. By recognizing shame, we can begin to create space between the feeling and our identity. We must also practice critical awareness. This means understanding why shame exists within us, how it works, and its impacts. This means questioning messages we download and asking where these messages come from. We then need a space to speak our truth. This means finding safe, supportive people who meet us with empathy and hold space for our stories without judgment. This does not mean oversharing. Rather, it means choosing to be honest with ourselves and others. It means naming shame and reclaiming our sense of self, not as good or bad, but as inherently worthy, whole, and human, flawed and growing, yet still deserving of love, belonging, and connection.
A Shared Human Experience
We all have wounds we carry. Some are visible; many are not. While our experiences may diff er, the emotions we feel are the same and deeply human. One of my favorite quotes is attributed to the French philosopher Pierre Teilhard de Chardin:
“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”
Let that sink in. When we remember that our feelings are a human experience and not the essence of who we are, we can hold our pain with a little more grace. We can see our survival not as weakness but as strength and offer that same compassion to others.
You Are the Author of Your Story
For too long, shame has kept survivors silent. It has convinced us that our value lies in perfection, performance, or our ability to hide the parts of ourselves we fear will not be accepted. But the truth is, our power lies in our willingness to be seen, vulnerable, and authentic.
If you take nothing else from this article, let it be this: You are not defined by what happened to you. You are not broken. You are not bad. You are not alone. Shame is part of the human experience, but it is just an emotion. It is not who you are. Shame resilience is how we rise from the ashes, claiming our story and remembering: We are spiritual beings, beautifully and imperfectly having a human experience. This perspective allows us to hold compassion for ourselves, to see our wounds as part of our becoming, and to rise from the ashes.
————————
Sarah E. Kuchon, of Hohauser Kuchon, is the 93rd president of the Oakland County Bar Association.
